It has become something of a tradition for me to create a death list in the new year. A death list is simply a list of celebrities who I think will die or hope will die this year. It’s just a bit of fun so don’t go giving me that look.
- Amy Winehouse – Lucky to be alive
- Lindsay Lohan – Doesn’t seem to want to be alive
- Prince Philip – Somehow refusing to do the decent thing and die.
- The Pope – Benny the Poop, God’s Rottweiller, the Infallible Voice of God on Earth, Honest Jo Ratzinger. I’ve had enough of you. You need to die for your stance on contraceptives and all those deaths in Africa that you could prevent by reversing your decision.
- Fred Phelps – Westboro Baptist Church’s mouthpiece. He rants and curses every poor man, woman and child who dies and claims that they will burn forever in hell. There is so much hate in this man that he really should explode from it.
- Norman Wisdom – Ancient slapstick funnyman. We don’t want you to die but honestly I have no idea how you can still be standing at 94. It must be your active lifestyle.
- Maggie Thatcher – I’ve hated Thatcher, Thatcher, Milk Snatcher since I was old enough to know who took my playtime milk away from me. Honestly I’d only just started school. Now Thatcher is old and it gives me comfort to know that she can’t have much longer.
- Jeremy Clarkson – This is one from the lovely Hil. She can’t stand to bloke for some reason. All I know is that death awaits anyone man who wears jeans that tight with a belly that big. I expect that a tank will crush him or something amusing like that.
- Michael Foot – Come on Michael, you were born ancient and you’ve been a favourite on death lists all over the world. Stop disappointing people.
- Kirk Douglas – Spartacus isn’t a well man. #17 on the American Film Institute‘s list of the greatest male American screen legends of all time. Dying now would push him into first place I’m sure. A fitting end for the great man.
Close candidates who were dropped at the last minute.
- Frankie Boyle. Although I hope his career dies
- Angela Lansbury. We love her but she can’t last much longer.
Special mention must go to the following as well:
- The Hoff
- Britney Spears
These need to go on a special list of people who will ascend to the right hand of God this year. And become saints. Or angels.
OK, I don’t believe that there is a god but they do and I think it important that such incredibly jammy sods get to have their wishes granted. They are jammy as a jam sandwich that is extra jammy and missing the bread because they have been very successful for apparently no reason. Perhaps it is divine intervention after all. 😉
I know it’s tasteless but I’d love to see your lists. In all the years I’ve made predictions about celebrity deaths I have failed to get any right. It isn’t easy but after all this time I know that I will not be putting money on these predictions.