Monthly Archives: June 2008

Chess

ChessMy 10 year old son, Alexander, played me to a draw at chess last night.  He regularly beats his mother and his older sisters.  I’m going to have to up my game before he starts beating me.  Either that or switch to scrabble.

He is following a family tradition though.  I started beating my old man at chess when I was about 10. 

Do you have any memories of surpassing your parents or mentors that you’d care to share?

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Filed under Parenting moments, Reasons to be cheerful

Super

The Hildy is reading a book about super heroes.

I have nerdified her.  My work here is done.

If you had a super power, what would you use your power for?

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Filed under Reasons to be cheerful

Retort

Today I will mostly arguing in neologizing imperative retorts.

But me no buts I’m going to do it.

A different kind of retort

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Filed under Reasons to be cheerful

Incoherent rage!

Arrgh! Grrr! Feck!

I hate working the helpdesk.  People are just so incomprehensibly vague,  I’ve just had a conversation.  I call it a conversation but it’s really abuse.

Mad Woman: When I click the thing it says Yes or No.  I clicked No.  Now it doesn’t work.

Me, with my helpful hat on: OK, what thing did you click?  It sounds like a message asking you something with a Yes\No answer.  What was the message?

Mad Woman:  I dunno, I didn’t read it.

Me, with my spinning helpful hat:  I see. OK then, what were you doing when the window popped up?

Mad Woman: Everything.  It happens when I do anything.  Your system is crap.

Me, putting aside my helpful hat: OK, can you open the system that you were in and talk me through your actions and I’ll be able to see what is causing the error.

Mad Woman: What?  I’ve shut down now.  Hang on I’ll switch it on.  *mutters abuse about rubbish computer*

Me, twisting my helpful hat in my hands: *curses silently, why ring for help when the object you need help with is switched off*  Sigh.

Mad Woman: Right, it’s on now.  Wait the time is wrong, how do I change it?

Me, throwing my helpful hat to the floor and stamping on it:  Can we deal with the first issue and then I’ll sort out your clock.  Open the system and talk me through the problem.

Mad Woman: Well that’s no good, the time is wrong, how am I going to tell the time if it is wrong?  Your system is crap.  It can’t even keep the right time.

Me, grinding the helpful hat into the floor with my foot:  *explains how to fix the clock* Now the system that is generating the error, can you open it?

Mad Woman: OK, I go into a job and..Oh.. It’s working now.  It wasn’t before, what have you done?  It’s working now.  Your system is crap.

*hangs up*

What a waste of bloody time.  I don’t know what the error was, where it occurred or what caused it.  Next time it happens the Mad Woman will ring again and tell me that she “thought I’d fixed it.  Your system’s crap” and then I will have to kill her by stuffing my mangled hat down her throat until she turns blue.

I’m going to savour my coffee now and calm down.  I need a helpdesk monkey.  I can be a server monkey or a code monkey but I can’t do helpdesk any more.  It makes me think bad thoughts with murder and mayhem in them.  No more please.

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Filed under Bad things happen

Billy Blood Drop

I’ve been giving blood for many, many years now.  I’ve donated enough of the red stuff to nearly fill up five desiccated humans.  I’ve been on the bone marrow register for more than a decade and been a close match three times.  Yet, not once in all that time, not once in 18 years has Billy Blood Drop ever made an appearance.

On my next burpday I think that Billy should really make the effort.  I’d like a visit for a change, a handshake or even a manly pat on the back.  Granted I’ve been drinking his tea for a while and he always leaves some biscuits to munch on.  Yesterday he even left two packets of hula hoops.  I was going to eat one but these little kids were waiting while their dad was giving blood.  I had to let them have the hoopy goodness while I contented myself with my ginger nuts.

Does anyone have any empirical evidence that hula hoops are smaller in the 21st century than in the 20th.  They seem smaller but my hands weren’t quite as rugged and sturdy as they are now.  I could fit the hoops on each of my fingers and then snarf all 10 in quick succession.  Now even my pinky has trouble wedging into a hula hoop.  I swear they’ve shrunk the blighters.

Anyway Billy.  A decent enough bloke really but he’d be more popular if we could see him more often.  I know he hangs round hospital wards and does his bit for “charidy” (he doesn’t like to talk about it) but he’s never down the pub getting the round in.  Why is that?  Do you think he’s one of those tea totallers that you hear about?

Can you bloggers do me a favour?  Pop into your next blood donor session and give blood.  If you see Billy hanging around, maybe flirting with the ladies, then get back to me.  It may be that I’m just in the wrong place at the wrong time and I keep missing him.

Thanking you.

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Filed under I am, Reasons to be cheerful

Sign for the gate

Seeing as how I’m proper old an’ all I think it high time I got me one of those signs for the gate.  I’ve got the shed (two actually) and I’ve got my own shaving brush.  I’ve even got some slippers, though I don’t wear them.  A sign on the gate warning away visitors would round the whole thing off nicely.

I thought about a sign that said “Dunroamin” but it’s just too bad to put up.  I thought about a “Beware of the Dog” but I have a rabbit, a rat and a truly ancient and bad tempered cat.  No dog, so no sign.  I thought of an attempt an irony.  “Beware of the Cat” came to mind but that’s just weak.

“No Salesmen” is just ineffective.  “No Irish” is just rude, plus I was born there so I’d be banning myself, which sort of defeats the object.  “No Jehovah’s Witnesses” might be fun but sometimes I do like to engage them in conversation, just not at 7am on a Sunday morning when I haven’t had my fix of coffee.

I think I’ll just go for bemusing:

“No Ratcatchers”

What do you think?

Gotcha

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Filed under You decide