Monthly Archives: April 2007

Middle Finger

On Sunday I made a trip to the bottle bank to dispose of the refuse of our monthly drinking binges.  I emptied the 40 or 50 sacks of bottles into the proper coloured storage boxes with lots of resounding crashes and much satisfactory shattering. 

Then I noticed that some lazy git had left several bags of bottles near the bins.  In need of a little more rage management I decided to favour this hapless member of the public by putting the bottles in the right coloured bins.  Little did I suspect that the insidious stranger had booby trapped the bags by leaving broken glass in them.  Halfway down the second bag I discovered this for myself as I plunged my left hand eagerly in to grab another bottle.

Luckily my ninja like reflexes saved me from total digit amputation and I escaped with only minor lacerations to my middle finger.  It’s my favourite finger as well. 

ASIDE:

If you look carefully at that picture you see a favourite WordPresser on her old 20Six blog.  You might need to squint though.

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My mood and my weekend

I had Friday off work so that I could go and see Cake Worm perform in the school’s Tudor Banquet.  I should probably explain what is involved with a Tudor banquet but I’m awfully tempted just to leave it up to your own imaginations.  OK year 5 have been studying the Tudor period recently and you know how dry it is remembering the names of all of Henry VIII’s six wives and the order he married them in.  Well, in order to spice things up a little Cake Worm’s teach, Bod, puts on a school banquet, wherein the students take on the roles of lords and ladies of the period. 

They base it in 1533 because Henry is firmly married to wife number two, Anne Boleyn, Archbishop Cranmer was appointed and supports the king, he’s been excommunicated by the pope, has recently been beating the crap out of the Scot and just about anyone else who he wanted to, and he has a most excellent flagship, The Mary Rose that is about to be refitted to hold 91 guns.

Anyway, the teachers and assistants take the role of wenches and peasant servants and the Lords and Ladies entertain their king with traditional music, dumb shows, juggling, sword fighting and wrestling.  The Hildy has spent weeks making a costume for Cake Worm as have all the other mums and dads and the whole year was resplendent in period dress.  Bod took on the role of Henry and played it up to the hilt by getting possessed by the spirit of King Henry and mistaking some of the pupils for period characters.

I must say that this is absolutely the greatest method of teaching that I have ever seen.  It really grabbed the kids interest and they were looking things up for themselves and finding out about the important figures and events of the time.

So Friday was good until the evil estate agent rang me at 5pm to tell me that the offer for my house had been withdrawn and that they would have to start marketing it again.  My good mood went from a record high in recent months to a Big Angry Face of annoyance in seconds.  I must now hunt down and kill the people who no longer wish to live in my house.  There is no other option.

Saturday was spend in utter boredom as I went to see a mortgage advisor.  As an aside Mal really is an odd name for a woman.  She was ever so excited that they would lend me the amount I need to buy le château de grenouille.  Like I’d have put an offer in if I wasn’t sure that they would.  She spend an hour and a half giving me various options that essentially boiled down to a difference of £50 a month and an arrangement fee of nothing to £1000.  I could have looked on t’Internet at work and got paid for this research.  My mood grew darker at this point.

Sunday was spent painting over worn patches with magnolia paint and generally growling at everything from the cat to the telephone.  I really hate painting.

Luckily I won the lottery so that cheered me up somewhat.  I spent my winnings on some books and a Chinese takeaway.

Now would someone please buy my house.

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Pirates vs Ninja

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SCAM ALERT

Thought that I should pass this along – it sounds legitimate…..

There is another awful scam going on out there. You should send this to any women you know and care about. I don’t normally forward warnings about scams, but this one looks important.

If a man comes to your door and says he is conducting a survey and asks you to show him your tits, DO NOT SHOW HIM YOUR TITS.

This is a scam.

He is only trying to see your tits.

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This morning I woke up looking like this….

…except I didn’t have such an impressive pog dangling from my chin.

Once I am the proud owner of le château de grenouille I shall fit every room with it’s own van de graaf generator so that everyone can look as good as I did this morning.

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Human Cull Part II – Method

Apart from a few alterations and dozens of additions we’re pretty much agreed that we’re going to cull the human race.  The question now arises as to the method of culling.  Obviously cruelty should be avoided so we can’t have attack dogs.  We don’t want to upset people with the prospect that they need to go out and kill their neighbours so we need specialist for the job.  At the same time we don’t want to overlook an opportunity for some free amusement.

Naturally I can no longer use phone in polls to gauge public opinion because all the dishonest operators associated with such shoddy practices are going to die.  I therefore propose voting here on the best method for culling the masses.

  1. Genetically engineer dinosaur clones, train them to avoid the select few who are to survive and release them into the general populous.  The advantage of this is that anyone smart enough to survive and escape the dinosaurs will enhance the gene pool and probably shouldn’t have been culled anyway.  Also dinosaurs are really cool.
  2. Sioned trains death squads in the arts of murder and torture (just for fun) and they systematically travel the world ending the lives of all who no longer deserve to live.  The advantage here is that they would obviously look really hot in their tight black uniforms so everyone will be happy. 

  3. We engineer a war between the nations who favour pirates and those who favour ninjas.  Not only would this be the coolest fight ever as sides would need to be appropriately dressed but there’ll be plenty of opportunity for yelling Yarr! or moving stealthily (depending on your preference).  Of course the disadvantage is the increased chance of collateral casualties.

  4. We challenge the aliens to a fight.  Their future technology will surely reduce the population by just enough.

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Human cull

Human beings have proven themselves to be utterly irresponsible when it comes to caring for this planet.  We are far too numerous and innovative for disease or famine to have a great effect on the world population.  Only a global level extinction event such as a super pandemic or meteor impact would significantly reduce our number and that would be bad.

What I particularly hate is the vast number of people who just get in my way when I want to get somewhere.  Less people on the planet would mean less people to get in the way, less people to be in front of me in a queue, less people to steal the good biscuits from the biscuit tin at work and leave just the bourbons.  You see where I’m heading with this.

Anyway I was thinking of a 95% cull in the general population starting with the most useless members of society and working up the ladder, so to speak.  So working up from the bottom of the rung:

  • obviously chavs, that just goes without saying;
  • estate agents who lie (there must be enough honest ones left to do the job, I mean how difficult can it be?);
  • people who swear in front of their children;
  • then I think the elderly;
  • telesales people;
  • people who stand on the left on an escalator;
  • just about everyone who works for the council apart from the bin men who do a sterling job;
  • a large proportion of shop workers and any shop worker who looks bored or has spots;
  • anyone who takes more than ten sick days a year, I mean, honestly, you’re just skiving off, admit it;
  • people who walk too slowly;
  • drivers of white vans;
  • anyone who works for Nestle;
  • anyone who eats while they’re talking on the phone;
  • people who can use a computer but pretend that they can’t in order to get other people to do their jobs for them;
  • quite a high proportion of school children.

I’m sure there are many more groups but I think this makes a good start.  Feel free to add your own.  I think I’ve probably accounted for 20% to 30% of the population so we obviously need to do more and be less choosy. 

I thought of putting a minimum height limit in but there are quite a few small people who are very lovely and small people are very useful if you drop something down a drain or behind the telly.  They’re not so good if you want someone to get your glasses down from the shelf though.

Support the cull, kill a neighbour.

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Offer

Someone has put in an offer on my house.

It is for £5000 less than the asking price.

Should I accept or not?

Factors involved:

  • The offer is sufficient to allow me to place a hefty deposit on le château de grenouille and to clear all of my credit cards.
  • The buyers are first time buyers so there will be no chain at that end.
  • Apparently the current owners of le château de grenouille want a quick sale although I suspect that this is typical estate agent lying in order to get us to sell up quick so that they make money faster.
  • The current house (Étang de grenouille) has not been properly advertised yet as it doesn’t go into the papers until Wednesday.  I’m not sure what difference this will make though.
  • I’ve been very obnoxious since Thursday, even more than usual, those of you who spoke to me then know what I’m on about.  I’m very sorry and promise not to be so horrid in future.  I blame the stress and uncertainty of selling and buying a house (among other things) so selling up now may let me keep what few friends I have left.
  • I really want to move all my crap back in because I miss the clutter.

Well, what do you think?

In other news I’ve decided to support a general human cull.  There are too many and a lot of them are just in the way.

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Huggles

I’m feeling particularly effectionate at the moment so if anyone wants a cuddle just let me know.  Not in a sex way but just a big old friendly hug.

People don’t hug each other enough.

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Footnotes

After rushing home at a demonic speed yesterday so I could have a canoodle with The Hildy I fell into a kind of torpor.  I think the rush of getting the house ready to sell* and the hot weather have had a detrimental effect on my energy levels.  Obviously I need more caffeine or I need to curl up in a ball and sleep for a week.

Having had a restful nights slumber I awoke to the hissing** of my clock radio and curled around the lovely Hildy for a quick bleary eyed snuggle before rising from my bed.  Traditionally I am politely*** asked to leave when my snuggles get too….well you know.

So I had a soak in the bath.  I fear that I may have dozed off slightly as the sudsy goodness eased the aches from my old bones.  Either that or I am the victim of an 30 minute alien abduction and memory erase.  I suspect the latter but don’t have any proof.  I don’t even feel “probed”****

Things started to go down hill after I go out of the bath.  My alien abduction experience left my brain fuddled and in need of coffee but the loss of time (again alien abduction related) made it impossible or me to actually drink it.  I threw on some clothes***** and set off for the train station but was forced to get on the purple Wales and West Alphaline train.  Alphaline trains vibrate at just that annoying frequency that sympathizes with the bones in my inner ear.  This means that traveling on them makes me dizzy******. 

At Worthing the Evil Bitch Queen from the Planet Strop got on the train and decided that I was the perfect person on the train to annoy.  I was obviously sitting in “her” chair because she clumped her fat arse down opposite me, shoved my paperwork at me like it was smeared in poo*******, actually pushed my laptop and clicked at me.  I wouldn’t mind if the train was packed and there was nowhere else to sit because I would be the inconsiderate bastard hogging a table with my work stuff but there were two empty tables nearby that the Evil Bitch Queen from the Planet Strop could have used.  Obviously I had to retaliate so I gave her my most vicious hard stare and I’m sure that even now she is still quaking in her boots.  I’d be surprised if she had the nerve to actually use a train again.  I mean ever.

On the plus side I’m meeting the ever so adorable Slytherin Head Girl for drinks after work.  I want to ask her where I can get a house tie (old style) but given the state of my brain today I doubt if I’ll remember.

* Oh?  Have I not mentioned that I am selling my house.  Well I am.  Please see previous blog entries about it and if you like what you see then make me an offer so I can move to le château de grenouille.

** For some reason my clock radio only hisses when I am in the room.  As soon as I leave it blares out crap music to it’s little transistorised heart’s content.  If I walk back in to the bedroom: “hisssssssssss”.  I don’t know why.

*** The Hildy likes her sleep and her polite morning routine occasionally involves threats of physical violence.

**** Thankfully.

***** I mean this literally because I was half way down the road when I realised that my shirt was half undone and I hadn’t done my belt up.  I obviously need help dressing myself in the mornings.

****** Dizzy,
I’m so Dizzy, my head is spinning
Like a whirlpool, it never ends
And it’s you girl, making it spin
you’re making me dizzy

The first time that I saw you, girl
I knew that I just had to make you mine
But it’s so hard to talk to you with fellas
hanging ’round ya all the time

I want you for my sweet pet,
but you keep playing hard to get
You’re going round in circle all the time

Dizzy,
I’m so Dizzy, my head is spinning
Like a whirlpool, it never ends
And it’s you girl, making it spin
you’re making me dizzy

Finally got to talk to you,
and I told you just exactly how I felt,
Then I held you close to me,
and I kissed you, and my heart began to melt

Girl you’ve got control of me
‘Cause I’m so dizzy, I can’t see
I need to call a doctor for some help

Dizzy,
I’m so Dizzy, my head is spinning
Like a whirlpool, it never ends
And it’s you girl, making it spin
you’re making me Dizzy, my head is spinning
Like a whirlpool, it never ends
And it’s you girl, making it spin
you’re making me Dizzy

I’m Dizzy

I’m Dizzy

Like a whirlpool

Dizzy

Dizzy

Dizzy

(repeat till end)

******* i.e. with her fingertips

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