Category Archives: Cull

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Filed under Cull

Stupid crap

I hate getting crap like this in my mail box.  It is stupid, pointless, wasteful spam that panders to the stupidity and gullibility of people. I’m going to dissect it.

This was on the 9:00 o’clock news the other night and this works

No, it wasn’t. This spam has been forwarded for the past decade and a half and any chance of it being on the 9 O’clock news in your country on the channel you were watching is minimal.


PLEEEEEEASE READ!!!! it was  on the news!

Still not true, even if you beg and plead. If it was in USA Today then what issue and date was it. Show your source please.

This thing is for real. Rest assured  AOL and Intel will follow through with their promises for  fear of facing a multimillion-dollar class action suit  similar to the one filed by PepsiCo against General  Electric not too long ago.

Now you’re just being silly. First it was the 9 O’clock news, then USA today and now AOL and Intel are making promises. Bollocks. Also what PepsiCo law suit against GE? I’ve never heard of it. Not that I expect to hear about every law suit but GE is the biggest company in the world, I think I’d have heard something unless it was a long time ago.

Dear Friends; Please do  not take this for a junk letter.

Oh no, wouldn’t want to do that.

Bill Gates sharing his fortune.

Yeah, we know. The Bill and Wassername Gates Foundation.

If you ignore this, You will repent later.

Whoa! Repent! What’s this, some religious thing. Are we supposed to trust it just because you used religious phraseology? We’re not in America here you know. That sort of thing doesn’t work on the English, not for a long while.

Microsoft and AOL are now the largest Internet companies and in an effort to make sure that Internet Explorer remains the most widely used program, Microsoft and AOL are running an e-mail beta test.

Are MS and AOL the largest Internet companies? It sounds plausible but where is the source for this? Beta tests are run all the time. They usually have limited scope and use a small test community.

When you forward this e-mail to friends, Microsoft can and will track it (If you are a Microsoft Windows user)? For a two weeks time period.

That’s bollocks. Is the entire structure of the Internet being changed so that Microsith can track a few emails with no specific identifier? I think not. Microsith can’t even get people to install Windows frikkin updates. Would anti-virus or anti spam software just let through these emails so they can be tracked? There are thousands of companies who run these sort of programs and maintain blacklist of domains and users. Are we to believe that they’ve all decided to allow Microsith to bypass all that for the sake of a two week beta test? Crap.

Also two weeks from when and until when? Give us verifiable facts you numpty.

For every person that you forward this e-mail to, Microsoft will pay you $245.00 For every person that you sent it to that forwards it on, Microsoft will pay you $243.00 and ! for every third person that receives it, You will be paid $241.00. Within two weeks, Microsoft will contact you for your address and then send you a check.

Why such arbitrary amounts? What is to stop someone abusing this by writing a scheduled agent to send millions of these spam emails out in Microsoft’s name and then demand $245.00 for each one sent? Wouldn’t a successful company like Microsith consider such a thing before making such an outstanding claim. The graded payment system just looks stupid. However 1,000,000,000 people read my blog so where’s my money. Come on, pay up.


Charles S Bailey General Manager Field Operations
1-800-842-2332 Ext. 1085 or 904-1085 or RNX 292-1085

I’m tempted to find out if this is a real person and see what they did to deserve having their name put on spam. Not too much though.

I thought this was a scam myself,

Really? I wonder why.

But two weeks after receiving this e-mail and forwarding it on. Microsoft contacted me for my address and within days, I receive a check for $24, 800.00.

I can’t be bothered to calculate how many people would need to have been contacted to merit $24,800 but I can almost bet that the number doesn’t compute with the figures given earlier.

You need to respond before the beta testing is over. If anyone can afford this, Bill gates is the man.

But earlier you said that the Beta Testing lasted for two weeks. If two weeks have passed since you received the first email before you were contacted then the testing period must be over. Why would you rub in the fact of your new wealth bu sending this to all us poor people? Bastard!

It’s all marketing expense to him. Please forward this to as many people as possible.

You just claimed that the test was over. What are you trying to pull here? Do you just want to piss everyone off?

You are bound to get at least $10,000.00.

No, you clearly said the testing was for two weeks and those two weeks have ended. We’re bound to get precisely nothing but wasted time.

We’re not going to help them out with their e-mail beta test without getting a little something for our time.

That’s because the beta test is bollocks, isn’t it? You made up the whole story to torment people and waste their time. Why would you do such a thing? You must be very lonely and sad.

My brother’s girlfriend got in on this a few months ago.

It’s months now? Also you’re clearly an only child and you’ve never had a girlfriend have you? You’ve never even had a friend.

When I went to visit him for the Baylor /UT game. She showed me her check. It was for the sum of $4, 324.44 and was stamped ‘Paid in full’

I’m not sure how cheques work in America but they don’t stamp them “Paid in full” over here. That would make it pretty worthless considering that a check is a form of promissory note. You don’t make a promissory note and mark it paid. You mark a delivery note or invoice “Paid in full”. Have you ever received a cheque?

Like I said before, I know the law, and this is for real.

Riiight. Which law? Which article of which law in which nation?

Intel and AOL are now discussing a merger which would make them the largest Internet company and in an effort make sure that AOL remains the most widely used program, Intel and AOL are running an e-mail beta test.

Yawn, repetition does not make it true.

When you forward this e-mail to friends, Intel can and will track it ( if you are a Microsoft Windows user) for a two week time period.


Try it; What have you got  to lose!

Time, effort, friends who might be pissed off at having their in-boxes filled with spam, computer processing power, bandwidth, money on a better spam filter. Stuff like that.

Well that was a waste of time but still cathartic. Spammers are on my Human Cull list. No-one can possibly argue with that.


Filed under Cull, Reasons to be cheerful

Bad Joke…in more than one way.

I just got this joke in my mail box.  It started off so well with a nice little rant at government inefficiency.  Have a read:

Dear Minister,

I’m in the process of renewing my passport but I am a total loss to understand or believe the hoops I am being asked to jump through. How is it that Bert Smith of T.V. Rentals Basingstoke has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a satellite dish from them back in 1994, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date? How come that nice West African immigrant chappy who comes round every Thursday night with his DVD rentals van can tell me every film or video I have had out since he started his business up eleven years ago, yet you still want me to remind you of my last three jobs, two of which were with contractors working for the Government?

How come the T.V. Detector van can tell if my T.V. is on, what channel I am watching and whether I have paid my licence or not, and yet if I win the Government-run lottery they have no idea I have won or where I am and will keep the bloody money to themselves if I fail to claim in good time. Do you people do this by hand? You have my birth date on numerous files you hold on me, including the one with all the income tax forms I’ve filed for the past 30-odd years. It’s on my health insurance card, my driver’s licence, on the last four passports I’ve had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I’ve had to fill out before being allowed off the planes and boats over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done every ten years and the electoral registration forms I have to complete, by law, every time our lords and masters are up for re-election.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, I was born in Maidenhead on the 4th of March 1957, my mother’s name is Mary, her maiden name was Reynolds, my father’s name is Robert, and I’d be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and the day I die!

I apologise Minister. I’m obviously not myself this morning. But between you and me, I have simply had enough! You mail the application to my house, then you ask me for my address. What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthals working there? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don’t want to activate the Fifth Reich for God’s sake! I just want to go and park my weary backside on a sunny, sandy beach for a couple of week’s well-earned rest away from all this crap.

Well, I have to go now, because I have to go to back to Salisbury and get another copy of my birth certificate because you lost the last one. AND to the tune of 60 quid! What a racket THAT is!! Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day? But nooooo, that’d be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You’d rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some tosser to confirm that it’s really me on the goddamn picture – you know… The one where we’re not allowed to smile in in case we look as if we are enjoying the process! Hey, you know why we can’t smile? ‘Cause we’re totally jacked off!

I served in the armed forces for more than 25 years including over ten years at the Ministry of Defence in London. I have had security clearances which allowed me to sit in the Cabinet Office, five seats away from the Prime Minister while he was being briefed on the first Gulf War and I have been doing volunteer work for the British Red Cross ever since I left the Services. However, I have to get someone ‘important’ to verify who I am — you know, someone like my doctor… Who, before he got his medical degree 6 months ago WAS LIVING IN PAKISTAN…

Yours sincerely,
An Irate British Citizen.

It could have been quite funny without the racist little dig at the end.  For shame Mr Irate British citizen, for shame. 

There is, of course, a very good reason why we have doctors and nurses working in NHS hospitals who come from other countries.


Filed under Cull, Shitbiscuits, You decide


I hate dealing with sales people in big companies.  Hate it.  Hate it.  HATE IT!

I’ve been navigating through a shitty little automated telephone system for the last ten minutes.  Press 1 for business calls, press 2 for residential service, press 3 to have red hot needles shoved slowly into your eyeballs, press 4 to listen to really bad music until your ears bleed.  Ten minutes of my life that I will never get back.

It’s a simple enough query: We have a home worker who we want to make sales calls for us.  If they were a BT customer they could prefix their calls and the business would be billed for the calls.  They are a Virgin customer though.  All I want to know is if they offer this service.


I got connected to a very nice Indian gentleman who I think is called Glaplutttteaaa.  He may be Klingon rather than Indian, it’s hard to tell given the quality of the phone line.  He’s very polite and is using my name at the end of every sentence.  I don’t suppose Klingons would be all that polite.

I’ve explained what I need and he has very helpfully repeated it back to me.  Sadly he’s repeated it back to me wrong.  Twice.



I’ve finally made Glaplutttteaaa understand.  Or perhaps I’ve finally explained myself clearly enough.  Who knows?  I’m being put through to someone else.  Maybe I’ll get a Vulcan this time or a Romulan.


Glaplutttteaaa put me through to Tony.  I don’t think that Tony is a very Romulan name.  It sounds like the name of an Earthling.  I’m confused though because the line is so faint and crackly that I must be talking to someone at the other end of the galaxy.

Having got my postcode (why?) he now tells me that they don’t offer this service.  Well.  I’m obviously pleased to know this and won’t waste any more time with them.


The chief executive has just phoned me.  Literally minutes after my conversation with Glaplutttteaaa and Tony of the Klingon Empire.  Apparently the sales person has a spare phone line and will use that to make calls with.

I’m having one of those days when I feel like I’ve been transported to an alternate universe where I’m an unwitting actor in a very bad sitcom.  I can almost hear the canned laughter.  Where is the remote control?


Filed under Bad things happen, Cull, Modern Etiquette

An Open Letter to Tiscali

Dear Tiscali

Re: Your letter demanding £7.92

I am somewhat confused by your letter asking for payment of £7.92.  You failed to indicate what the amount represented and I have certainly not received an invoice for this amount.  Furthermore you will be aware that I have ceased using your service.  I wrote to inform you in October that you had failed to uphold your part of the contract and that I was terminating it.  You kindly refunded me for the service that I had paid for but was unable to use due to your incompetence.

Forgive me if I don’t choose to ring the 0870 number indicated on your letter but past experience has show me that I will invariable be on hold for up to an hour before getting to speak to someone.  The person who I do speak to will either not speak any English at all or will have such a strong accent (Indian, Scottish or Irish) that I will be completely unable to understand what they have to say.  Even if we do manage to communicate the customer support person will either be unable or unwilling to help or will just lose all record of the conversation.  Hardly surprising if they have to deal with disgruntled customers like me all day long.  If you don’t mind I’d rather not pay for the privilege of calling you to sort out your mistakes.

With regard to the sum that you claim is outstanding I will not be paying it.  Even if it turns out that I do owe you the money I shall not be paying the bill.  You sent me a cheque to refund me for service charges billed and for compensation.  If you are so incompetent as to forget to deduct a fee for an outstanding amount then I hope that my non-payment will serve as a lesson to you.  Tiscali could so very easily have done better.

Besides which you should be aware that I know that you will never refer such a small sum to your legal team to threaten court action or to try to recover the money.  It simply isn’t cost effective for you to do so.  However if you do decide to try to recover this money rest assured that I will make it as difficult as possible for you even if it costs me hundreds of pounds.  Furthermore I will do my utmost to advertise your poor service to as many people as I can in order that customer confidence in you is weakened. 

Why would I do this?  The answer is simple.  You failed to treat me with the respect that a paying customer deserves at every opportunity that you had and I choose to treat you with similar contempt.

Your sincerely



Filed under Cull, le château de grenouille

Open Letter to South West Trains

Dear Sir\Madam

I had to renew my train season ticket this morning.  I was flabbergasted to discover that my fare had increased by 11%.  Clearly you’ve been saving money by not advertising the fare change and I must applaud your attitude to cutting costs.  Having said that it would still have been good to know in advance.

After recovering from the initial shock I began to ponder the implications of such a hefty price increase.  A rate of inflation would be about 3% so you have added an additional 8% to the cost of travel.  I’m actually looking forward to a commensurate improvement in the level of service. 

  • I expect that 8% fewer services will be delayed or cancelled.  This may well improve services enough that only 1 in 10 trains are delayed which would be great.  I could even manage to get to work on time every day for nearly a fortnight given averages.
  • I expect that staff will be 8% more helpful.  This might be a bit of a stretch as it would require doubling the number of helpful staff as my experience is that only 1 in 12 staff are helpful.  Curiously the same proportion actually go out of their way to be obstructive.  The other 10 just seem to stand around gossipping.
  • I expect that the station will be 8% cleaner or at least that rubbish will be removed 8% more often. i.e. about once ever 11 hours.
  • I expect the train to be 8% less crowded.  Given the price increase I suspect more people will choose to drive to work so you may actually exceed my expectations on this point.

I imagine that you are getting the idea now.  I expect a general 8% improvement in the service to match the 8% above the inflation rate increase in fees.  Kindly arrange for this to be delivered or reduce the fees accordingly. 

Yours faithfully

 Mr hoverFrog


Filed under Bad things happen, Cull, You decide

Christmas Eve Humbug

It’s Christmas Eve and I am at work…at least for another hour.  On my way in to work I was enjoying the silence and calm that only occurs when I am out and about before my fellow man is even awake.  No school kids to annoy me with their incessant shrieking, no oldsters hobbling along and getting in the way, no chubbies blocking my path.  It was lovely.

Unfortunately it appears that all these people had decided to go shopping for some reason.  As I passed through the town centre I noticed hoards of rampaging shoppers frantically buying goods and food items.  Clearly they are aware of some impending crisis and are stocking up on necessities.

At work I have been asked a dozen times if I have brought everything that I need.  I’m sure I can manage for one day while the shops are shut.  It’s not as if I’m going to starve or anything.  My answer has been: “If we haven’t got it by now then we obviously don’t need it”.

I’m going to brave the streets again in an hour and I may be forced to stop in a public house to seek alcoholic refreshment.  I may skip this though and just get away from the crowds.

What is it about Christmas that turns ordinary human beings into greedy, obnoxious lunatics?

Is it fair to add Christmas shoppers to my human cull?


Filed under Bad things happen, Cull, Modern Etiquette

Postman Pat

I’m trying to find out when the last delivery date for Christmas cards to the US of A is.

Don’t bother with Royal Mail because their stupid website seems to indicate that they don’t deliver post.  I’m not sure if the site is accurate or not.  You can’t get through on the phone either.  Maybe I should write to them.

Postman Pat has been added to my human cull.

And his bloody cat an’ all.


Filed under Cull

Third person

The beautific hoverFrog is convinced that the people of the world have today been replaced with identical copies from Tardania.  He is certain of a plot and remains on guard.

Tard (tard) – noun Slang: Disparaging

Any person who is not developmentally disabled, but rather has what is considered normal cognitive faculties but for whatever reason has opted out of using it. Whereas mental retardation is genetic in nature, this form of behavior is environmental usually resulting in too much daytime television, Brittany Spears piped in pop music, and other environmental factors.

-Urban dictionary.

Furthermore the ever honest Mr hoverFrog has been angered by the incompetence of British Telecom and of Tiscali.  He has written both companies very stern letters of complaint.  He feels certain that they will ignore the missives and continue to be incompetent.  He is trying not to let this bother him.  His letters repeated the phrase “This is no acceptable” several times.  Each time he typed this phrase he laughed out loud.

Virgin are taking over his telephone service on Friday afternoon.  He wonders if it isn’t going too far to insist that BT attempt to repair the ongoing fault tomorrow morning.  He hopes that it rains.

Finally he wonders who this third person is and may write a questioning Thursday Thirteen in a moment.

He thanks you for the time that it has taken to read this note and wishes you well.


Filed under Bad things happen, Cull, van de graaf

All wizards have long, grey beards and pointy hats.

The Caterwauls who I share an office with are talking…again!  They really need to shush!  The current topic is “Lesbians”.  OK, I wasn’t listening so I don’t know how they got onto this topic but now I’ve been dragged in to it and asked my opinion.  This is never a good idea because now I’ve been very rude to The Caterwauls.  I’ve mocked their inability to see past the most basic of stereotypes.

It serves them right for saying things like “All lesbans* look a bit different from women, don’t they?” and “You can spot a lesban* because they are ugly and have short hair”.

I’m afraid that I’ve accidentally taken my irritation out on them and implied that I know of at least one lesbian in the office.  I don’t really as I am far too irritable to actually speak to anyone in the office so it is very unlikely that a secret lesbian would actually confide in me.

All the other places that I’ve ever worked have had a pretty average distribution of sexual preference.  Most of them had one or two ‘out’ homosexuals and the gossip machine implicated a couple more.  The last place I worked even had a lesbian wedding.  It was great fun even though the kids had me running around like a headless chicken trying to stop them breaking the sound equipment.  Perhaps the office here is the opposite end of the spectrum to when I worked at social services.  Almost everyone in social services was gay.  I think it was part of the equal opportunities policy.

I’m not even sure why it’s so interesting to The Caterwauls.  Apart from gossip what does it matter what two consenting adults choose to get up to in their free time?

*They can’t bring themselves to say lesbian and have made up this new word.


Filed under Cull, Shitbiscuits