Monthly Archives: March 2009

Security Alert Levels

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” Londoners have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to a “Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was during the Great Fire of 1666.

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Surrender” and “Collaborate.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country’s military capability. It’s not only the English and French who are on a heightened level of alert.

Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.” The Germans also increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose.”

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels. The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

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Oirish

You may know that it is St Patrick’s Day today.  This is a celebration for the Irish and those of Irish descent and not for the typical English lout.  Unless you are Irish yourself please refrain from getting pissed out of your skull on Guinness and redecorating the pavement with regurgitated kebab.

If you don’t know why the Irish dedicate a day to St. Patrick you have no reason to join in either, you’re just following the crowd.  Shame on you.

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Pi Day

A handy mnemonic for remembering Pi is:

“How I wish I could calculate Pi”

You count the letters of each word. 3.141572 to get the first 7 numbers in Pi.

If you didn’t already know this then you do now.

That is all.

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Hogwarts Express

Hogwarts Express

My fellow commuters, a word of advice.  Do not try to catch a train between the hours of 8:30 and 9:00 in the morning.  This is when the students of Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry get the train.  They might be magical creatures but they are very loud and they take all the seats.

Catch an earlier train.

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Odd conversation

I left work late yesterday and bumped into Interesting Jeremy on the train.  Interesting Jeremy works for the National Statistics office and is very religious.  I once bumped into him on the train and asked if he was planning anything the new year.  He replied that he was wondering what God wanted him to do.  Talk about conversation stoppers. 

Moving on we exchanged greetings and inquired about one another’s day.  The usual pleasantries.  Somehow we got onto the topic of Barack Obama and his lifting of the ban on stem cell research.  I expressed the opinion that stem cell research could potentially revolutionise medicine.  He thought it was a terrible evil.  Not a lot of middle ground.

Moving on we somehow got onto the topic of euthanasia.  He said it was a terrible and I said it was a great idea and when would I get my licence to start killing people.  Although I was joking there wasn’t a lot of middle ground.

Luckily we got to talk about cricket.  I think cricket is one of the most relaxing games to watch in the world but I know nothing about it at all.  IJ is a cricket enthusiast and keen player.

Then the train reached it’s destination and we departed.

What topics stump you?

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Stupid


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Awesome

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