Monthly Archives: August 2008

OMFG

Fail Blog is the best.

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Joke

How many emo kids does it take to change a light bulb?

F*&K’em, let them cry in the dark.

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Succubus

Apparently promiscuity leads to demonic possession according to this article the other day.

Tim Rice

That’s not all.  Oh no.  Apparently all those trendy new age things are “(t)he thin end of the wedge (soft drugs, yoga for relaxation, horoscopes just for fun and so on) is more dangerous than the thick end because it is more deceptive – an evil spirit tries to make his entry as unobtrusively as possible.”  All you yoga fans, I count my eldest in this (hi Beth), are in for a nasty time when your relaxation techniques and stretching exercises come back to haunt you.  Oh yes.  Warm up exercise is the devils work.

Just when you thought it couldn’t get worse…It does.  All those wicked progressive leaders and well meaning individuals are just inviting Satan in to get you because  “At the centre of this is man’s ever-growing pride and attempted self-reliance. Man trying to build a better world without God – another Tower of Babel,”  You see, a better world leads to confusion and Satan takes advantage of that. 

What I can conclude is that Fr. Davies believes that Satan wants people to build a better world with science and medicine where everyone can be happy and won’t want gods any more.  Then we can have a big party with lots of naughtiness which will open the gates of hell allowing people to be limber and relaxed.

Thanks to Jennifer Dziura for the link.

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Stupid crap

I hate getting crap like this in my mail box.  It is stupid, pointless, wasteful spam that panders to the stupidity and gullibility of people. I’m going to dissect it.

This was on the 9:00 o’clock news the other night and this works

No, it wasn’t. This spam has been forwarded for the past decade and a half and any chance of it being on the 9 O’clock news in your country on the channel you were watching is minimal.

THIS TOOK TWO PAGES OF THE TUESDAY USA TODAY – IT IS FOR REAL 

PLEEEEEEASE READ!!!! it was  on the news!

Still not true, even if you beg and plead. If it was in USA Today then what issue and date was it. Show your source please.

This thing is for real. Rest assured  AOL and Intel will follow through with their promises for  fear of facing a multimillion-dollar class action suit  similar to the one filed by PepsiCo against General  Electric not too long ago.

Now you’re just being silly. First it was the 9 O’clock news, then USA today and now AOL and Intel are making promises. Bollocks. Also what PepsiCo law suit against GE? I’ve never heard of it. Not that I expect to hear about every law suit but GE is the biggest company in the world, I think I’d have heard something unless it was a long time ago.

Dear Friends; Please do  not take this for a junk letter.

Oh no, wouldn’t want to do that.

Bill Gates sharing his fortune.

Yeah, we know. The Bill and Wassername Gates Foundation.

If you ignore this, You will repent later.

Whoa! Repent! What’s this, some religious thing. Are we supposed to trust it just because you used religious phraseology? We’re not in America here you know. That sort of thing doesn’t work on the English, not for a long while.

Microsoft and AOL are now the largest Internet companies and in an effort to make sure that Internet Explorer remains the most widely used program, Microsoft and AOL are running an e-mail beta test.

Are MS and AOL the largest Internet companies? It sounds plausible but where is the source for this? Beta tests are run all the time. They usually have limited scope and use a small test community.

When you forward this e-mail to friends, Microsoft can and will track it (If you are a Microsoft Windows user)? For a two weeks time period.

That’s bollocks. Is the entire structure of the Internet being changed so that Microsith can track a few emails with no specific identifier? I think not. Microsith can’t even get people to install Windows frikkin updates. Would anti-virus or anti spam software just let through these emails so they can be tracked? There are thousands of companies who run these sort of programs and maintain blacklist of domains and users. Are we to believe that they’ve all decided to allow Microsith to bypass all that for the sake of a two week beta test? Crap.

Also two weeks from when and until when? Give us verifiable facts you numpty.

For every person that you forward this e-mail to, Microsoft will pay you $245.00 For every person that you sent it to that forwards it on, Microsoft will pay you $243.00 and ! for every third person that receives it, You will be paid $241.00. Within two weeks, Microsoft will contact you for your address and then send you a check.

Why such arbitrary amounts? What is to stop someone abusing this by writing a scheduled agent to send millions of these spam emails out in Microsoft’s name and then demand $245.00 for each one sent? Wouldn’t a successful company like Microsith consider such a thing before making such an outstanding claim. The graded payment system just looks stupid. However 1,000,000,000 people read my blog so where’s my money. Come on, pay up.

Regards

Charles S Bailey General Manager Field Operations
1-800-842-2332 Ext. 1085 or 904-1085 or RNX 292-1085

I’m tempted to find out if this is a real person and see what they did to deserve having their name put on spam. Not too much though.

I thought this was a scam myself,

Really? I wonder why.

But two weeks after receiving this e-mail and forwarding it on. Microsoft contacted me for my address and within days, I receive a check for $24, 800.00.

I can’t be bothered to calculate how many people would need to have been contacted to merit $24,800 but I can almost bet that the number doesn’t compute with the figures given earlier.

You need to respond before the beta testing is over. If anyone can afford this, Bill gates is the man.

But earlier you said that the Beta Testing lasted for two weeks. If two weeks have passed since you received the first email before you were contacted then the testing period must be over. Why would you rub in the fact of your new wealth bu sending this to all us poor people? Bastard!

It’s all marketing expense to him. Please forward this to as many people as possible.

You just claimed that the test was over. What are you trying to pull here? Do you just want to piss everyone off?

You are bound to get at least $10,000.00.

No, you clearly said the testing was for two weeks and those two weeks have ended. We’re bound to get precisely nothing but wasted time.

We’re not going to help them out with their e-mail beta test without getting a little something for our time.

That’s because the beta test is bollocks, isn’t it? You made up the whole story to torment people and waste their time. Why would you do such a thing? You must be very lonely and sad.

My brother’s girlfriend got in on this a few months ago.

It’s months now? Also you’re clearly an only child and you’ve never had a girlfriend have you? You’ve never even had a friend.

When I went to visit him for the Baylor /UT game. She showed me her check. It was for the sum of $4, 324.44 and was stamped ‘Paid in full’

I’m not sure how cheques work in America but they don’t stamp them “Paid in full” over here. That would make it pretty worthless considering that a check is a form of promissory note. You don’t make a promissory note and mark it paid. You mark a delivery note or invoice “Paid in full”. Have you ever received a cheque?

Like I said before, I know the law, and this is for real.

Riiight. Which law? Which article of which law in which nation?

Intel and AOL are now discussing a merger which would make them the largest Internet company and in an effort make sure that AOL remains the most widely used program, Intel and AOL are running an e-mail beta test.

Yawn, repetition does not make it true.

When you forward this e-mail to friends, Intel can and will track it ( if you are a Microsoft Windows user) for a two week time period.

Crap!

Try it; What have you got  to lose!

Time, effort, friends who might be pissed off at having their in-boxes filled with spam, computer processing power, bandwidth, money on a better spam filter. Stuff like that.

Well that was a waste of time but still cathartic. Spammers are on my Human Cull list. No-one can possibly argue with that.

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Quotes from beyond the grave Part II

I’ve just received a sales call from Mike Reid.

That makes him the second famous celebrity to contact me from beyond the grave.

Beat that.

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Eggs

Adopt one today! Adopt one today! Adopt one today! Adopt one today!

Clicky.

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Bad Joke…in more than one way.

I just got this joke in my mail box.  It started off so well with a nice little rant at government inefficiency.  Have a read:

Dear Minister,

I’m in the process of renewing my passport but I am a total loss to understand or believe the hoops I am being asked to jump through. How is it that Bert Smith of T.V. Rentals Basingstoke has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a satellite dish from them back in 1994, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date? How come that nice West African immigrant chappy who comes round every Thursday night with his DVD rentals van can tell me every film or video I have had out since he started his business up eleven years ago, yet you still want me to remind you of my last three jobs, two of which were with contractors working for the Government?

How come the T.V. Detector van can tell if my T.V. is on, what channel I am watching and whether I have paid my licence or not, and yet if I win the Government-run lottery they have no idea I have won or where I am and will keep the bloody money to themselves if I fail to claim in good time. Do you people do this by hand? You have my birth date on numerous files you hold on me, including the one with all the income tax forms I’ve filed for the past 30-odd years. It’s on my health insurance card, my driver’s licence, on the last four passports I’ve had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I’ve had to fill out before being allowed off the planes and boats over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done every ten years and the electoral registration forms I have to complete, by law, every time our lords and masters are up for re-election.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, I was born in Maidenhead on the 4th of March 1957, my mother’s name is Mary, her maiden name was Reynolds, my father’s name is Robert, and I’d be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and the day I die!

I apologise Minister. I’m obviously not myself this morning. But between you and me, I have simply had enough! You mail the application to my house, then you ask me for my address. What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthals working there? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don’t want to activate the Fifth Reich for God’s sake! I just want to go and park my weary backside on a sunny, sandy beach for a couple of week’s well-earned rest away from all this crap.

Well, I have to go now, because I have to go to back to Salisbury and get another copy of my birth certificate because you lost the last one. AND to the tune of 60 quid! What a racket THAT is!! Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day? But nooooo, that’d be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You’d rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some tosser to confirm that it’s really me on the goddamn picture – you know… The one where we’re not allowed to smile in in case we look as if we are enjoying the process! Hey, you know why we can’t smile? ‘Cause we’re totally jacked off!

I served in the armed forces for more than 25 years including over ten years at the Ministry of Defence in London. I have had security clearances which allowed me to sit in the Cabinet Office, five seats away from the Prime Minister while he was being briefed on the first Gulf War and I have been doing volunteer work for the British Red Cross ever since I left the Services. However, I have to get someone ‘important’ to verify who I am — you know, someone like my doctor… Who, before he got his medical degree 6 months ago WAS LIVING IN PAKISTAN…

Yours sincerely,
An Irate British Citizen.

It could have been quite funny without the racist little dig at the end.  For shame Mr Irate British citizen, for shame. 

There is, of course, a very good reason why we have doctors and nurses working in NHS hospitals who come from other countries.

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The Jury is in

I was supposed to start jury service today.

I got a letter that said I wasn’t needed.  It was direct and didn’t spare my feelings at all.  Even though I really didn’t want to do it I’m feeling slightly rejected.  It’s as if my opinion isn’t valued.

Well damn them all, they can find justice elsewhere without me.

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Elephant memory

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.

Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly. Probably wasn’t the same elephant.

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Jury Service

I start Jury Service on Monday.

I have selected an appropriate book to read while I’m waiting for jury selection prior to the trial of the day.

War and Peace

Everyone I know who has read it says that it’s good.  It’s a bit of a slow start though.  Hopefully it’ll keep me awake long enough to decide whether to free someone or “send them down”. 

I’m a bit concerned that my many biases will make me prejudge people.  The following groups should beware:

  • Scruffy, drunken chavs (I’m sorry but I just hate you)
  • Men with full beards (clearly hiding something)
  • Women with thick, wrinkled, leathery skin that smoke (no class, dear)
  • Anyone who looks like an estate agent (obviously dishonest)
  • People with tattoos (clearly criminals especially if the tattoos are crap rather than aesthetically pleasing)
  • People who mutter (guilty of something)
  • People who are too eloquent (glibness betrays their preparation so they must be lying)
  • Anyone who cries (such emotional displays betray an underlying propensity for discarding reason and so they must have a higher probability of guilt)
  • Anyone who brings their mum to the trial (clearly they have no shame)
  • Anyone who brings their laddish friends with them that talk and shout encouragement to their mate during the trial (I need to provide a lesson to these people about appropriate behaviour by punishing their friend)

I’m looking at this as an opportunity to rid the world of some undesirable elements.  I’ve already decided that I will always have reasonable doubt regarding a person’s guilt so I have to decide using an emotional response rather than reason.  Reason tells me that I won’t have enough evidence to be completely sure, even if I were a witness I might still have room to doubt.

No, better I just do my civic duty and cleanse the streets of Portsmouth (and surrounding towns and villages) of those who might cause me some annoyance.

However I am not completely harsh or hostile to the failings of our legal system.  In my magnanimity I will pardon anyone who comes to trial on Thursday who works with hammers as a special tribute to the god, Thor.  Also anyone who introduces me to a new word or an especially interesting or archaic word during their trial.

I hope that this illustrates my opinion of a jury of peers as an ineffective choice.  I’d like to see professional jurors with appropriate training and accreditation introduced.  Don’t let idiots like me loose to decide the fate of those accused of crimes, I’ll either free the guilty or punish the innocent based on nothing more than a vague impression of innocence or guilt.

If you fall into any of the categories above please head to the nearest police station and confess your crimes.  It’s for the best.

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