Some old jokes

Inspired by Jason

BLUE SCREEN OF DEATH

In a surprise announcement today, Microsoft President Steve Ballmer revealed that the Redmond-based company will allow computer resellers and end-users to customize the appearance of the Blue Screen of Death (BSOD), the screen that displays when the Windows operating system crashes. The move comes as the result of numerous focus groups and customer surveys done by Microsoft.

Thousands of Microsoft customers were asked, “What do you spend the most time doing on your computer?” A surprising number of respondents said, “Staring at a Blue Screen of Death.” At 54 percent, it was the top answer, beating the second place answer “Downloading XXXScans” by an easy 12 points. “We immediately recognized this as a great opportunity for ourselves, our channel partners, and especially our customers,” explained the excited Ballmer to a room full of reporters.

Immense video displays were used to show images of the new customizable BSOD screen side-by-side with the older static version. Users can select from a collection of “BSOD Themes,” allowing them to instead have a Mauve Screen of Death or even a Paisley Screen of Death. Graphics and multimedia content can now be incorporated into the screen, making the BSOD the perfect conduit for delivering product information and entertainment to Windows users. The BSOD is by far the most recognized feature of the Windows operating system, and as a result, Microsoft has historically insisted on total control over its look and feel. This recent departure from that policy reflects Microsoft’s recognition of the Windows desktop itself as the “ultimate information portal.” By default, the new BSOD will be configured to show a random selection of Microsoft product information whenever the system crashes. Microsoft channel partners can negotiate with Microsoft for the right to customize the BSOD on systems they ship. Major computer resellers such as Compaq, Gateway, and Dell are already lining up for premier placement on the new and improved BSOD. Ballmer concluded by getting a dig in against the Open Source community. “This just goes to show that Microsoft continues to innovate at a much faster pace than open source. I have yet to see any evidence that Linux even has a BSOD, let alone a customizable one.”

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A Blue Slaad and a Death Slaad.  Combine them to get a Blue Slaad of Death.

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BSoD T-Shirt

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BSoD Tattoo

How’s that for lazy blogging?

Lots of questions

Hemant asks which questions in your life go unanswered?

Here are my questions.  If anyone has any answers can you let me know.  Otherwise do you have any questions?

1. What will replace humans as the dominant species on the planet when we’re all gone (if anything)?
2. Why can’t we humans create a government that is able to plan for longer than 3 years ahead?
3. When you die all your brain functions cease.  Where does the energy go when this happens?  Is it just emitted as heat or electromagnetic radiation?  How much energy is involved?
4. Why do living things die?
5. Is it possible to build the Matrix or something similar where a virtual environment is indistinguishable from a real environment?
6. When you look in a mirror and see your reflection is that how people see you (only in reverse) or do they see you differently?
7. Is it possible to build a tower that goes into space?
8. Could we colonise Mars or one of the moons in our solar system?
9. How close to the speed of light can we travel and survive?
10. What sort of crops should I grow in my pokey little garden?
11. Why do some people seem to need religion?
12. Is there anything smaller than a quark?  I’ve heard of superstrings but the idea is too strange for my mammal brain.
13. What’s it like to be a pond skater, a bird or a mole?
14. What colour was a T-Rex?

Not thirteen questions but fourteen.

Tuesday Mashup – Financial Market

The reason for the global financial crisis is clear.

Cheaper ways to reverse the money market collapse.

If you’re a lender affected by the financial crisis then the Predatory Lending Association may be able to help you locate poor and desperate people willing to pay up to 470% interest on short term loans.

Finally a plea from Alistair Darling

From: Rt Hon Alistair Darling MP
Date: 14/10/2008
Subject: Urgent transaction – need your help

Bright Greetings Dear British Citizen:

I need to ask you to support an urgent and important business relationship with a transfer of funds of great magnitude.

I am Ministry of Treasury of the Great nation of Britain. My country has had a crisis that has caused the need for a large transfer of funds of 500 billion pound GB. If you would assist me in this transfer, it would be most profitable to you.

I am working with renowned Mr. Mervyn King, Bank of England Governor, who has run the bank since 1 July 2003.  As economist leader of repute, you may know that he prints all British bank notes personally.  British money has scientist printed on back and the Queen, God bless her, on the front.  This transaction is 100% safe.

This is a matter of great urgency. We need a blank cheque. We need the funds as quickly as possible. We cannot directly transfer these funds in the names of our close friends because we are constantly under surveillance. My family lawyer advised me that I should look for reliable and trustworthy person who will act as a next of kin so the funds can be transferred.  The transaction was going through Mr. Peter Mandelson of Brussels but he had to rush for urgent business in The City to be Baron.

Please reply with all of your bank account, loan and college fund account numbers and those of your children and grandchildren bailoutftse (at) treasury (dot) uk (dot) gov so that we transfer your commission for this transaction. After I receive your information, I will respond with detailed information about safeguards that will be used to protect the funds.

Wonderful salutations to you cherish friend from Empire of Great Britain.  God Bless the Queen.

Yours Faithfully,
Rt Hon Alistair Darling MP
Chancellor of the Exchequer

Picture meme

Many years ago the wonderful Sioned introduced me to this meme.  Essentially someone posts a word (in this case it would be me) and then the reader (you) rushes off to image search it.  They (you) then post an entry with the amusing picture and a new word and rush back to say that you have done so.  The next person goes from your blog in a long and silly chain.

We all then spend oodles of time cavorting about t’Internet putting silly pictures up and much fun is had by all.

My word (as I’m starting this) is Interesting and this is my silly picture.

Your word is: lazy as in lazy blogging…which is what this is.

I can barely contain my anticipation.  Don’t forget to leave the instructions up.

There’s no tag, just nominate yourself.

Paul Newman not dead. Now working in IT

I’ve just got an email from Paul Newman.  It’s a newsletter espousing the virtues of webcasts as training tools and as a method of extending reach to potential customers.

That aside, even though it was interesting, the writer was Paul Newman.  He’s not only the star of dozens of excellent and entertaining films, the producer of a fine range of salad dressings, a magnificent philanthropist in his own right and a supporter of the First Amendment in writing with an annual award of $20k but now he’s risen from the dead to work in IT.

I’m sure he’ll revolutionize the industry.  He’s been a success in almost every other part of his life.  I’m sure his second shot at it will be just as good.

Do you have any dubious links to fame like me?

Banks to lend you your own money

Taken from the Daily Mash.

THE government is to invest £500bn of your money in British banks so they can lend it back to you with interest.

The historic move is being hailed as a lifeline for the financial system as long as nobody asks too many questions.

Julian Cook, chief economist at Corbett and Barker, said: “The government will give your money to the banks so the banks can start lending you that money, probably at around 7% APR.

“Thanks to all the interest you’re paying on your own money, the banks will make billions of pounds again and normality will be restored.

“After a few years of this the government will cash in the bank shares it bought with your money and use the profits to build a huge fucking dome somewhere.”

He added: “In case you hadn’t already worked it out – the entire global financial system is predicated on the assumption that you’re an idiot.”

Chancellor Alistair Darling said the decision had been taken in tandem with the banking industry, adding: “They used a lot of dirty words I’d never heard before and one of them had an angry looking dog.”

Meanwhile, Emma Bradford, a sales manager from Bath, said: “Why doesn’t the government just give my money to me so I can buy stuff from businesses who will then make a profit and put it in a bank?”

But Mr Darling insisted: “Shut up.”

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I think the summary of the bail out of the banking industry is just about perfect.

Time

This credit crunch malarkey is just creating a whole pestle of work for me.  If anyone can share some time or maybe some recipes (I watched that nice Jamie Oliver chappy yesterday) then I’d be most grateful.  I know that some people have time to spare.  My time is precious which is clearly why I’m spending it on my much neglected blog.

H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
Don’t say you don’t have enough time. You have exactly the same number of hours per day that were given to Helen Keller, Pasteur, Michaelangelo, Mother Teresea, Leonardo da Vinci, Thomas Jefferson, and Albert Einstein.

In other news I’ve got a new sledgehammer and I’m not afraid to use it.  As a consequence of these two facts I have one fewer wall surrounding le château de grenouille and a pile of rubble in the former fish pond.  I’ve been remodelling dontchaknow.  What destructive\constructive tasks have engaged you recently?

Now, about those recipes… Pass it on.