Last year I wrote some predictions. For the lols and for no other reason. The previous year was 0 for 5. Let’s see how I managed this year.
- Sticking to American politics I’m going to go for an assassination attempt against the President. His first year in office and a new face always upsets a few loonies. This may be too easy as there were whisperings of nutters coming out of the woodwork from the minute he put his hat in the election. I’m going out on a limb here and I’m going to suggest that the assassination fails miserably and improves the public perception of Barack Obama due to his level headed handling of the event.
FAIL. OK Obama has been the target of several assassination attempts but 2009 wasn’t the year for a spectacular shoot out in public that I’d imagined. Good thing too.
- Banks will continue to be greedy, irresponsible buggers. Now that they know that the government will bail them out when they make costly mistakes they will stop caring about risk and invest in all sorts of hare-brained schemes while throwing away confidential information or leaving it down the pub. Something stupid like that. The FSA will fail to make a difference.
WIN. I think it fair to say that banks are still thoroughly crap and nobody is going to be introducing any of them as their new best mate. Here is a fun list of FSA fines against banks in 2009. UBS AG were fined £8million for being crap.
- I have a particular dislike of the BNP as a bunch of racist loudmouthed twats. I therefore predict see some serious legal ramifications for some hate mongering by the BNP. Perhaps a senior policeman gets sacked or a court case challenges them in a publicly embarrassing way. I don’t want to get too specific because that’s not how predictions work. The words BNP, legal, and funny will certainly be involved though.
- Setting aside politics and steering clear of religion (for a change) I focus prediction number four directly on the mystical configurations of the cult of celebrity. A footballer’s wife, perhaps one who sings a bit, will be exposed in the press as being a bit unfaithful. The popular press will use such choice and sensitive phrases as “slapper” and “love cheat” and I fully expect Richard Littlejohn’s head to explode with glee. As a private matter I will fail miserably to have an opinion but the constant chatter about two people who I’ve never heard of will annoy me and I’ll be forced to blog about it.
FAIL. Cheryl Cole, the convicted criminal, has dominated the whole of “footballer’s wife” news in 2009. If there was a scandal then her cheeky Northern charm has eclipsed it completely. The cow.
- No prediction would be complete with a little popular news, Zimbabwe in this case. The country will continue to deteriorate and nobody will do anything about it. Not a thing. There will be plenty of talk though.
FAIL. While I’m sure that Zim hasn’t been transformed into a land of milk and honey it has failed to be prominent in the news. I’m not disappointed.
A personal best of two out of five. I’d like to remind anyone who actually bothers to read this anymore that I got the original idea from Greta Christina‘s blog entry “Are you smarter than a celebrity psychic?”
Now for 2010 predictions.
- Start with an easy one. The Tories win the election in the UK. We have to have an election this year unless we’re attacked by aliens or something. We have a five year duration of Parliament in the UK and our last general election was in 2005. Brown’s Labour isn’t going to get any more popular although Cameron’s Conservatives could conceivably get less popular. I’m not voting for either of them. Crooks.
- China is in the news at the moment having executed that convicted drug smuggler with mental health problems. I predict therefore that the news services keep an eye on China and uncover a string of social abuses perpetrated by the Chinese. China, being answerable to no-one, will stick two fingers up and any criticism. I mean what are we going to do? Stop paying back all the money they’ve lent us to prop up our failing economies.
- On the techie side I want to predict something about the iPhone. By all accounts it is a wonderful device with many fascinating apps and gadgets. Sadly it is shit as a phone. People do buy phones to make phone calls after all and I think it is important that a phone is able to do that and do it well. Therefore I predict that Apple will release a new iPhone that is shit hot at making phone calls but gets criticised for some other reason. Probably an issue with compatibility between phone versions. This is because other companies are jealous and don’t have all the best toys.
- Gotta have a celebrity prediction. I really want to see Katie Holmes free from the clutches of cult spokesman, Tom Cruise. She is held by forces that we may never understand but we can hope that she can break free and bring her daughter with her.
- Last prediction. I think something easy to finish off. As I’m currently snowed in I’ll go with a weather related prediction. This summer we will have the highest recorded temperatures in England since records began. Come on, you know it’ll happen. hundreds will die, they’ll be plagues of locusts and fires all over the land, air conditioning will seem like heaven itself. It will be hot, hot, hot.
That’s it. What are yours?