Category Archives: Shitbiscuits


This should make you chortle if you’ve ever “worked the helpdesk like a bitch”.  It’s a genuine helpdesk request received today from a team leader in the company that I work for.

Category: Arrears system
Title: Joint ARC/OCV’s
Nature of Request
Please state clearly what the problem or improvement is, add a list of alternatives that you have considered and then a suggested course of action.

There is a problem and it does not work.  The system copies the address which is the incorrect address. 

Yes, that’s right:  “There is a problem and it does not work”.  Really specific so as to assist the IT staff in locating and rectifying the problem.  I mean, honestly, why did I devise error codes for all the common errors?  Why did I bother to capture each error and display it on screen for the user to provide feedback?

For fun, that’s why.  I suppose I should be grateful that it’s been narrowed down to one of the 17 databases that are in production use.

In other news:  At what point does enough coffee become too much coffee?  In mugs please.


Filed under Shitbiscuits, van de graaf

Lazy buggers

You know what pisses me off about people more than anything else:


Yes, the very deadly sin that I find so laudable in myself* is the one that I despise in others.  For instance:  I am currently trying to recruit a Lotus Notes programmer with XML and web services experience.  Why do I get CVs for C++ programmers or Network Infrastructure Gurus (seriously)?  It is because the lazy arsed recruitment tosspot can’t be bothered to read the CV before he sends me a copy.  He just blanket emails everyone on his list with a copy of a totally unsuitable CV.  It wouldn’t take that much effort and would be ultimately more efficient to create a simple database (even a spreadsheet) of potential clients and their requirements and then only email them with suitable candidates.  Surely this isn’t a radical suggestion?

Recruitment consultants are going on the Human Cull list.  Sorry Michelle.

Thanks for listening to my rant.

*Sloth is a virtue because it reduces the amount of work that is repeated for no good reason and makes everything more efficient.  If you disagree then go back to washing clothes by hand in the nearest river or chopping firewood to cook dinner with.

What’s your favourite Deadly Sin?  They are Pride | Greed | Lust | Sloth | Envy | Wrath | Gluttony in case you’ve forgotten. 

Why do I even ask?  You’re all going to choose lust aren’t you?  Can you name the seven virtues without googling them?  Any of them?


Filed under Cull, Shitbiscuits

I should be so lucky, lucky lucky, lucky, I should be so lucky…


Put your coffee down before reading any further.


On my way to work this morning a bird shat on my head.

I had to go home to wash my hair which made me late for work.

Other than providing my fellow bloggers (and The Sleepy Hildy) some amusement I can see no benefit.  Getting crapped on is supposed to bring good luck isn’t it?  Not so far.

Another bit of superstitious nonsense debunked.


Filed under Bad things happen, Shitbiscuits

Alligator Spartacus

I made the mistake of googling Alligator Spartacus.

Apparently their is a company called Spartacus who make Alligator style nipple clamps.

The very idea of nipple clamps makes me cringe in sympathetic pain.

I know now that it is a bad idea to search for random words on t’Internet.  I have learnt my lesson.


I challenge you to add a single random word to “Spartacus” and report back on your findings.  Yes you. *points*

Yes, I really am that bored.


Filed under Facebook Generation, Shitbiscuits, van de graaf

Too annoyed to blog

I’m actually too annoyed to blog about what is annoying me.  I just want to punch something.  This is not healthy so rather than spread my irritableness around I’m taking a break.

Don’t even mention Friday the 13th.  It’s superstitious nonsense and the twonks that I work with seem to be paralysed with fear because of it.  It’s the 21st Century for fuck’s sake.  Not the bloody middle ages.

See, that’s the sort of mood I’m in.  It’s better that I just go off and work before I annoy anyone else.


Filed under Bad things happen, I am, Shitbiscuits

They deserve 10 years in jail…

…not for smuggling cocaine but for mangling the English language.

I read in the Metro on the train this morning that a pair of young women had been arrested.

Yasemin said: ‘It was basically like a set-up. They didn’t tell us nothing, we didn’t think nothing, because, basically, we are innocent. We don’t know nothing about this drugs and stuff. We don’t know nothing.’

This is inexcusable.  So many double negatives and lack of clear structure to her sentences.  Perhaps ten years in prison in Ghana will show them the error their ways.  After this confession I don’t give them much hope of freedom.


Filed under Bad things happen, Shitbiscuits, van de graaf

I’m a mean old man

My job today seems to be to be really mean to people who annoy me.  As I am generally annoyed by everyone I come into contact with I’m being mean to everyone.

Except you lot.  You lot never say anything stupid.

You’re the greatest. *thumbs up*


Filed under Bad things happen, Shitbiscuits

My Ruin

Bugger it all.  My evening out with the beautiful Chloe is in tatters as I’m being dragged off by my hair to visit a client.  I’m only there to look pretty and make the occassional clever sounding comment about XML or Domino.

No blogging from the client’s office either.

I really wanted to give my friend a hug too.


Filed under Shitbiscuits

Make a monkey out of me will ya?*

I received a very kind “Thank you” email from The John Aspinall Foundation today.  I’ve been donating ten whole English pounds to them for a while now and this is the first time they’ve sent me anything.  Not that they need to but I was starting to feel as if they’d forgotten about me.

Why give money to The John Aspinall Foundation?  Well, it’s mainly the work that they do to protect gorillas.  These gentle creatures are significantly more deserving of charity than most humans…at least most humans that I’m aware of.  Although The Hildy insists on giving money to human charities as well.  She has much more charity in her heart than I do.  This is probably why she works with the dregs of society while I work with machines.  Machines are predictable and clean (even if they can catch viruses) and there’s no maliciousness about them.  People do horrible things that make me hate them.

The Hildy told me that one of her clients’ 12 year old daughter has contracted an SDT.  This is probably from her client’s boyfriend.  It isn’t the worst thing that she’s told me about her clients but it is the most recent.  Anyway that’s probably something that you don’t want to hear about so I’ll go back to talking about apes.

Apparently that nice Dermot O’Leary is off to do a documentary about endangered gorillas and illegal hunting of them in Africa soon.  I think he’s working on some telebox program or other at the moment but he’s off to the Congo when it’s over.

*Yes, I do know that gorillas and other apes are not monkeys.  The title was just for effect.


Filed under Bad things happen, Shitbiscuits

Here there be dragons

This is the office that I work in

Please note the careful use of imagery for the smallest rooms in the office.  The flowers are obviously representative of the rose scented cubes that ladies deposit once a year while the hound represents the foul dawg odor that lads seem to leave constantly.

Now note the location of my desk.

Right next to the places where people make stinks.

I’ve had enough.  My sensitive nose cannot cope with working here any more.  I’m going to work near the duck pond.

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Filed under Bad things happen, Shitbiscuits