It must be true.
Category Archives: Reasons to be cheerful
I’d rather have spiders than cats. Cats are filthy, disloyal, lazy, cruel creatures. Spiders perform a valuable service in reducing the number of disease spreading flies. If they haven’t got any flies then they keep their own numbers in check by eating one another. You won’t catch a cat doing that, no. They’d rather whinge for a tin of cat food than do anything to earn it. They’re like furry chavs.
A few months ago I saw Professor Brian Cox talk about the universe. This video isn’t the same one but it is very close. His talk and this video give me goosebumps. Enjoy.
Jen at BlagHag responded with a quick joke to comments by Hojatoleslam Kazem Sedighi, Tehran’s acting Friday prayer leader.
Many women who do not dress modestly … lead young men astray, corrupt their chastity and spread adultery in society, which (consequently) increases earthquakes
This bit of magical thinking and superstition drew a response of sheer genius.
Time for a Boobquake.
On Monday, April 26th, I will wear the most cleavage-showing shirt I own. Yes, the one usually reserved for a night on the town. I encourage other female skeptics to join me and embrace the supposed supernatural power of their breasts. Or short shorts, if that’s your preferred form of immodesty. With the power of our scandalous bodies combined, we should surely produce an earthquake. If not, I’m sure Sedighi can come up with a rational explanation for why the ground didn’t rumble. And if we really get through to him, maybe it’ll be one involving plate tectonics.
So, who’s with me? I may be a D cup, but that will probably only produce a slight tremor on its own. If you’ll be joining me on twitter, use the tag #boobquake! Or join the facebook event!
It is in the interests of science, after all.
In an unexpected revelation, a former member of the Church of Scientology has revealed that despite the highly effective Dianetics program (which starts with a stress test), Scientology members are highly stressed. This is very strange because almost all psychological and religious advice given by science fiction writers is extremely reliable, helpful, and effective.
For those who are unfamiliar with Scientology, it is the brainchild of marginally successful science fiction writer L. Ron Hubbard who said that “if you want to make a lot of money, start your own religion.”
“This kind of criticism is something we are used to; however, we refuse to allow skepticism and antagonism from non-believers to get in the way of our members’ spiritual well being.” said David O. Uschberg, a Scientology representative, as he was counting cash contributions from members.
In other news mocking religion now deemed to be acceptable as long as it isn’t yours.
Facebook has contributed to a resurgence in the sexually-transmitted disease syphilis, a health expert has claimed.
Professor Peter Kelly, director of public health in Teesside, claimed staff had found a link between social networking sites and the spread of the bacteria, especially among young women.
He said: “Syphilis is a devastating disease. Anyone who has unprotected sex with casual partners is at high risk.
“There has been a fourfold increase in the number of syphilis cases detected with more young women being affected.
“I don’t get the names of people affected, just figures, and I saw that several of the people had met sexual partners through these sites.
“Social networking sites are making it easier for people to meet up for casual sex.”
The solution is clear: Protective rubber sheaths for keyboards are available from good chemists.
In other news: forks have been linked to an increase in obesity.
“I don’t understand why I have to go to school at all, the internet knows more than all the teachers there put together.”
Before I jump in the shower and set off for work I thought I’d see if the old blog was still alive. With a whopping 50 visitors a day (mostly bots no doubt) it seems so.
Assuming I’m going to resurrect the old blog, what should I write about? I fancy having a theme and “moving in a direction” rather than ambling along with the usual inanity that I am so good at. 😉
Answers on a postcard please…or, you know, in the comments box below.
Nearly missed it.
Sadly I need to catch up on my beauty sleep so I can’t really stop to shoot the breeze so instead I’ll provide a link to anyone who wishes to make a belated Pi Cake
Last year I wrote some predictions. For the lols and for no other reason. The previous year was 0 for 5. Let’s see how I managed this year.
- Sticking to American politics I’m going to go for an assassination attempt against the President. His first year in office and a new face always upsets a few loonies. This may be too easy as there were whisperings of nutters coming out of the woodwork from the minute he put his hat in the election. I’m going out on a limb here and I’m going to suggest that the assassination fails miserably and improves the public perception of Barack Obama due to his level headed handling of the event.
FAIL. OK Obama has been the target of several assassination attempts but 2009 wasn’t the year for a spectacular shoot out in public that I’d imagined. Good thing too.
- Banks will continue to be greedy, irresponsible buggers. Now that they know that the government will bail them out when they make costly mistakes they will stop caring about risk and invest in all sorts of hare-brained schemes while throwing away confidential information or leaving it down the pub. Something stupid like that. The FSA will fail to make a difference.
WIN. I think it fair to say that banks are still thoroughly crap and nobody is going to be introducing any of them as their new best mate. Here is a fun list of FSA fines against banks in 2009. UBS AG were fined £8million for being crap.
- I have a particular dislike of the BNP as a bunch of racist loudmouthed twats. I therefore predict see some serious legal ramifications for some hate mongering by the BNP. Perhaps a senior policeman gets sacked or a court case challenges them in a publicly embarrassing way. I don’t want to get too specific because that’s not how predictions work. The words BNP, legal, and funny will certainly be involved though.
- Setting aside politics and steering clear of religion (for a change) I focus prediction number four directly on the mystical configurations of the cult of celebrity. A footballer’s wife, perhaps one who sings a bit, will be exposed in the press as being a bit unfaithful. The popular press will use such choice and sensitive phrases as “slapper” and “love cheat” and I fully expect Richard Littlejohn’s head to explode with glee. As a private matter I will fail miserably to have an opinion but the constant chatter about two people who I’ve never heard of will annoy me and I’ll be forced to blog about it.
FAIL. Cheryl Cole, the convicted criminal, has dominated the whole of “footballer’s wife” news in 2009. If there was a scandal then her cheeky Northern charm has eclipsed it completely. The cow.
- No prediction would be complete with a little popular news, Zimbabwe in this case. The country will continue to deteriorate and nobody will do anything about it. Not a thing. There will be plenty of talk though.
FAIL. While I’m sure that Zim hasn’t been transformed into a land of milk and honey it has failed to be prominent in the news. I’m not disappointed.
A personal best of two out of five. I’d like to remind anyone who actually bothers to read this anymore that I got the original idea from Greta Christina‘s blog entry “Are you smarter than a celebrity psychic?”
Now for 2010 predictions.
- Start with an easy one. The Tories win the election in the UK. We have to have an election this year unless we’re attacked by aliens or something. We have a five year duration of Parliament in the UK and our last general election was in 2005. Brown’s Labour isn’t going to get any more popular although Cameron’s Conservatives could conceivably get less popular. I’m not voting for either of them. Crooks.
- China is in the news at the moment having executed that convicted drug smuggler with mental health problems. I predict therefore that the news services keep an eye on China and uncover a string of social abuses perpetrated by the Chinese. China, being answerable to no-one, will stick two fingers up and any criticism. I mean what are we going to do? Stop paying back all the money they’ve lent us to prop up our failing economies.
- On the techie side I want to predict something about the iPhone. By all accounts it is a wonderful device with many fascinating apps and gadgets. Sadly it is shit as a phone. People do buy phones to make phone calls after all and I think it is important that a phone is able to do that and do it well. Therefore I predict that Apple will release a new iPhone that is shit hot at making phone calls but gets criticised for some other reason. Probably an issue with compatibility between phone versions. This is because other companies are jealous and don’t have all the best toys.
- Gotta have a celebrity prediction. I really want to see Katie Holmes free from the clutches of cult spokesman, Tom Cruise. She is held by forces that we may never understand but we can hope that she can break free and bring her daughter with her.
- Last prediction. I think something easy to finish off. As I’m currently snowed in I’ll go with a weather related prediction. This summer we will have the highest recorded temperatures in England since records began. Come on, you know it’ll happen. hundreds will die, they’ll be plagues of locusts and fires all over the land, air conditioning will seem like heaven itself. It will be hot, hot, hot.
That’s it. What are yours?