Stand of the Right sent these questions to me so that I could answer them. She did it because she was forced at the point of a sword to delve into my deepest and most intimate thoughts. I have answered them (as is my want) and now I return to work which so occupies my waking moments. Thank you Miss Right, it was jolly good fun.
- What time is it?
Tenacious D time, the mother fucking rhyme
- Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
It is a little known secret that it does stick to the inside of the bottle. The process of making things stick to other things involves very tiny creatures known as Gluons. Gluons are in fact the friendliest creatures in the known universe and spend most of their lives hugging anything that they can reach. In order to spread goodwill and friendship they can be convinced to leave a glue tube or bottle but only by singing the proper Gluon song or performing the Gluon ritual of the Racing Hug. It is fortunate for we Earth creatures that the Gluon ritual of the Racing Hug involves sticking out your tongue and chewing your lower lip while scrunching up one eye. An expression often made by accident when attempting to use a glue tube.There are some things that Gluons really dislike though. Water and cats are two of them and you will rarely see either being glued. Gluons are fascinated by human fingers though and often try to hug them extra tight.
- Why is it that when you’re driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
Impossible! As a regular commuter on the wonderful rail network that we have in the south of this glorious nation of ours I am rarely in a car. When I am, I am not the driver and not the one looking for an address.However, I imagine that other people, who are less magnificent than I, need to lower the volume in order to concentrate on one of their five senses. As if the human brain suffers from such limitations as finite processing rates. Tish and pish.
- What is the size of a poodle?
It depends on the size of the plate of oodles eaten the night before.
- What’s the prettiest part of your body?
I’m of the opinion that the male body is one of the most ridiculous looking things ever evolved. Especially naked. We look like frogs. Having said that I must say that I am particularly enamoured with the beauteous appearance of my feet. For some reason though The Hildy finds my feet repulsive. Just because I have incredibly long toes that I can use to pick things up with, write and climb trees she thinks they are odd. No, it’s her stumpy feminine feet that are odd. My glorious size 12s are the most magnificent and versatile of all pedal extremities and I challenge any one to prove me wrong.
- Have you met any celebrities?
Probably. I fear that the requirements for being classed as a celebrity (or sleb as I’ve heard them described) are so mundane as to cover most people on the planet. However I am in regular contact with Annie Lennox and Gregory Peck through work as they are now working in the training industry and financial support industry respectively. Yes I know one of them is technically dead but we are talking about accountancy firms here.
- What did you eat for breakfast this morning?
Oh that is tricky. You see I rarely eat breakfast as a meal. I know the definition is the first meal of the day but when I get round to eating it is usually about 2:30 in the afternoon so that’s more properly called lunch. My first food of the day was a vegetarian sausage, coleslaw and mustard baguette but the last time I had breakfast in the morning I devoured two slices of white toast with mushroom pate on top in generous dollops.
- You are holding 3 apples in your hand. How many apples do you have?
Apples, what apples?
Why is it that you can juggle three apples but not three apple cores?
- How many fingers am I holding up?
Ew, how do you do that with your hand? A little known fact is that my brother and his daughter, Baby Jessica, were born with six fingers on each hand. If you’re anything like them then I’ve have to say 12, just for the shock value.
- What does a computer taste like?
Now many people will not have tasted computer before so it’s a little difficult to describe. Firstly when hunting and killing your own computer it is vital that you make sure that you’ve disconnected the power supply. If you don’t your first bite may be accompanied by a slight tingle in the teeth followed by an almighty wallop. Computers don’t tend to like getting bitten. However, once you’ve disconnected it a computer is best left overnight to cool and allow it’s capacitors to properly drain. It is unwise to eat a computer whole as even a laptop is more than a mouthful. Instead chop it into smaller component parts and eat raw. Yes, I did say raw. Cooking a hard drive invariably removes part of the taste and leaves an unpleasant burnt odor for sometime after. When eaten raw a hard drive tastes a little off so you need to spin at about 5400 revolutions per minute to get the full flavour. When you do it should taste a little like watercress but with more tang.
- Is 30 old?
I wish to phrase my answer as a haiku:
Listen! a frog
Jumping into the stillness
Of an ancient pond!
Or to phrase it another way: You are only as old as you let yourself feel. Personally I stopped aging as 12 years.
- Have you ever been to Mexico?
You know I never have.
- what’s your favorite word?
Gangrenous. Its so under used.
- Why did you do it? (and what was it that you did?)
She was just so inviting, lying there, with no embarrassment. The most beautiful thing I had ever seen. Her tongue was just moistening her lower lip. Her hair had come loose from the band that she always kept it in and a soft black curl had drifted over her forehead. She moved her arms up, beckoning me. Pulling me towards her. Stripping me of my inhibitions as she did my clothes. I loved her in that instant with an intensity that terrified me. Here was perfection and I had to possess it for myself.
- Tell us something we don’t know…
I have no belly button.
pumped-up(a): tense with excitement and enthusiasm as from a rush of adrenaline; “we were really pumped up for the race”; “he was so pumped he couldn’t sleep”
Bipolar: An analog semiconductor process technology characterized by fast switching speeds at the expense of high power consumption. Bipolar transistors can also function as fast speed digital circuits.
I’m a little wired today. I have this project you see. Sometimes I get like this where everything just falls together and I work like a demon. No food, no drink, no sleep. Just work till I drop. I like to think I’m at my most creative when I do this but I probably make more mistakes per 1000 lines of coding than I would otherwise.
I’m also at my most obnoxious when I’m like this. Some of you may have noticed the build up in the last week or so. Sorry about that.
Anyway to focus my creative energies where I’m getting paid to focus them I’ll be taking a brief break from blogging. I expect a week will be sufficient. Wish me luck with the demon!
I’ve also got Stand on the Right’s excellent questions which I shall definitely do as soon as I stop being such a shit.
Looky here. It’s my other blog.
Hopefully I’ll be stopping for a drink at the Grand Central in Brighton (near the train station) on Thursday evening. I’m hoping that Chloe will update and arrange blinkage but you never can tell. She’s a woman with her own mind, after all.
Ta ta for now goodle people.
I’m working from home today because The Hildy is going to a Mind Control Seminar* and won’t be here to pick the kids up when they finish school.
The main advantage of working from home is the absence of annoying distractions like the telephone ringing. I know sales people have a job to do but I really don’t want to talk to them right when I’m in the middle of debugging a LotusScript agent that is supposed to be automatically allocating a field operative based on training and preferred working hours.
Another advantage is that I can sit on my sofa in my dressing gown, leaving it open if I so desire, and drink all the tea I like while listening to the loudest music I want to. I can even sing along.
Oh yeah. Working from home is great.
Forgetting not to shut the front door properly, having the postman knock and the door swing open. That’s not so great. Still, it’s my house and if I want to let it all hang out then I can.
I’m off to soak in the bath for a bit. See ya later.
*Possibly a Mental Health Seminar.
For some reason I keep singing today. I blame my good mood on the most gorgeous and glamourous Chloe who met me in the Bright Town yestereve for a drink or several. Of course she was very beautiful with her two tone hair and I was unable to restrain the urge to hug her in the middle of the Grand Central when she arrived.
We had a long and rambling conversation over a few bottles of wine that included (but was not limited to) the following topics:
- The Mutiny on the Bounty
- An affair that never happened
- The effects of bullying
- Kylie’s pants
- Buffy the Vampire Slayer
- Private Detectives
- Suicide Girls
- Girl Guide Badges
- Roll ups
- Getting beaten up
- London Loves
I’m not going into details because it was a private conversation and you should have come along if you wanted to join in. So there!
Only two things marred an otherwise perfect evening between friends:
- Mr “I’m going to go outside every five minutes to make a phone call and leave the door open so Chloe gets chilly” who kept leaving the door open. I mean, just because it’s a public place it doesn’t mean that we don’t rule.
- The last train from the Bright Town to my home was at 9:40pm which was unnaturally early for ending a night out.
- Chloe admitted to not reading my blog. Clearly this is a great sin but I can now talk about her to my heart’s content safe in the knowledge that she won’t know what I’ve said about her. *tee hee*
I know, that’s three things but one of them doesn’t count.
So that was my evening. It was more fun that yours so again with the “So there”
I leave you now with this Buffy quote:
“You know, people underestimate the value of a good ramble.”
On Thursday I have to go and work in Brighton…actually 15 miles away in Uckfield but no-one has ever heard of Uckfield so I’m going to say Brighton. I’m getting the train to Brighton anyway and then a taxi to Uckfield.
Funny things about Uckfield:
- Uck rhymes with duck and fuck.
- It really is a field.
- Tiny Tasha reminded me to take my welly boots if I was going to Uckfield because it might be muddy.
Currently I don’t know when the meeting starts or what time I’m going to finish but I fully intend to give the lovely Chloe a cuddle while I’m there. I haven’t seen her for ages and I’m really hoping that she’ll spare me a hug or two. People just don’t hug often enough.
If she’s busy on Thursday then I may just make a placard and follow in the footsteps of Juan Mann and damn the law.
Anyone want to meet me for a hug?
I am uncertain as to the cause of my current ailment. It is possible that the recent assault suffered by my head may be responsible, it may be the significant amounts of caffeine that I have recently been enjoying, or it may be that work is finally beginning to cause me some small amount of stress.
Whatever the cause though I seem to be suffering from excessive loss of vital blood reserves through my nasal cavities. A most unpleasant occurrence I think you will concur.
As a humble youth, barely out of my tadpole training tail, I suffered from regular nosebleeds. It wasn’t until I reached the grand old age of 18 years that they stopped. This coincided with the first time I gave blood and I often wondered if there was some link between the two. I last gave blood before Christmas so I’m not due till the end of March or beginning of April.
Maybe I should just keep my finger out of my nose?
Curiously I was always advised to lean forward and pinch the bridge of my nose rather than lean back. The explanation for this was that swallowing copious amounts of blood can cause the gag reflex and there is already enough mess to clear up from a nose bleed without adding vomit with the consistency of strawberry jam to the equation.
Now that I’ve revolted you please leave a comment. Be kind. You may have noticed that I am a particularly fragile flower of a man today. Only in a good way.
I’ve just got a quote for upgrading our accounting software from Gregory Peck. What does it say about me that I am unreasonably thrilled at this?
I know. New blog. I’ve got the whole OU study theme going. Still, nothing to say.
I’ve not touched my course materials due to the level of work that I have at work (obviously), I’ve barely blogged (sorry) and the kids think I’ve left home and just pop in to wake them up in the mornings.
Still, I’ve nowt to say.
I do have one thing.
My new project at work uses a gingerbread man army as the icon for the field force database and a green eye for main product database. It’s only a handful of people who see this so it can be anything. The complaints database has a Klingon Battle Cruiser as the icon. I know. Nerd.
What shall I use for the client database? What about when I put the two web systems in place?
That’s three icons. Suggestions please. 32 by 32 pixels in 16 colours.
Righty oh, I’m a former 20sixer who hated the change of platform and the loss of such goodies as comment tracking, team blogs and fun. I went over the the excellent but dinky Platform 27 which is my more or less permanent home now. I mean I know everyone and it’s comfy. It’s just a bit quiet at the moment.
So, along comes my old chum Chloe, the greatest head girl of Slytherin House ever to grace the hallowed halls of Hogwarts, former work pal and winner of the “Best Coffee in the World” award 2002. She also ditched 20six in favour of a better home for her words of wisdom and decided to try on the spiffy wordpress.
Then there’s that adorable PinkJellyBaby (another 20sixer) who’s been running around trying on blogs and making a general kerfuffle with all the decoration.
There’s a few others lurking around but I’ve really lost track. Must do better. Isn’t that always the case.
Well, obviously I want to comment on their blogs so I really have no choice but to join in the fun.
Anyway I intend to use this blog to record some of my keen observations regarding the nature of human interactions plus some notes on my OU course (MT262) which starts in a week.