Security Alert Levels

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” Londoners have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to a “Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was during the Great Fire of 1666.

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Surrender” and “Collaborate.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country’s military capability. It’s not only the English and French who are on a heightened level of alert.

Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.” The Germans also increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose.”

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels. The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.


Filed under Reasons to be cheerful

6 responses to “Security Alert Levels

  1. Haha, a most amusing post…..

  2. Tee hee hee. I have a cold on my birthday – now that is a bloody nuisance!

  3. i nearly wee’d! then i tried to read it out to him indoors and couldn’t because i was laughing too much!!

  4. Quips

    I’ve read this before but not the Spanish part which was highly amusing.

  5. Aussies only have two levels of ‘Alert’ to potential threat:

    First: “Wake Up! the Pubs are open and we’re missing decent drinking time!”.

    and Second: “Hurry up it’s almost closing time and we’ve got to get another 2 slabs (cartons of beer) before the drive-through closes”.

    on another note (b flat) your input to the discussion would be most welcome:

    All welcome 🙂


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