Bloody Weather

How difficult is it to get a weather report for three weeks time?

Why is it that the likes of The Vampire Master (below) fail miserably to predict the weather far enough in advance for me to book a day off work?

Vampire Master Martyn Davies

Perhaps they should use my infallible methods of weather forecasting:

Animal guides:

If Ducks or Drakes their Wings do flutter high
Or tender Colts upon their Backs do lie,
If Sheep do bleat, or play, or skip about,
Or Swine hide Straw by bearing on their Snout,
If Oxen lick themselves against the Hair,
Or grazing Kine to feed apace appear,
If Cattle bellow, grazine from below,
Or if Dogs Entrails rumble to and fro,
If Doves or Pigeons in the Evening come
Later than usual to their Dove-House Home,
If Crows and Daws do oft themselves be-wet,
Or Ants and Pismires Home a-pace do get,
If in the dust Hens do their Pinions shake,
Or by their flocking a great Number make,
If Swallows fly upon the Water low,
Or Wood-Lice seem in Armies for to go,
If Flies or Gnats, or Fleas infest and bite,
Or sting more than they’re wont by Day or Night,
If Toads hie Home, or Frogs do croak amain,
Or Peacocks cry
Soon after look for Rain!

There’s happiness as a guide:

If you are gay, rain will not go astray
If you don’t think, the sky will turn pink
If you are in pain, it will rain
Clouds are fake, think they are not real and they shall go away.

Prediction by flora:

One of the most reliable of all natural weather indicators are pine cones. These have traditionally been used to forecast the weather as they change shape according to whether it is wet or dry. In dry weather, pine cones open out as the scales shrivel up and stand out stiffly. When it is damp, they absorb moisture and as the scales become flexible again, the cone returns to its normal shape.

If the oak flowers before the ash,
we shall have a splash.
If the ash flowers before the oak,
we shall have a soak

Echo response prediction:

When sounds travel far and wide,
A stormy day will betide.

Prediction by bones:

A coming storm your shooting corns presage,
And aches will throb, your hollow tooth will rage.

Prediction by frog remains my favourite:

The louder the frog, the more the rain.

Do you have any methods that are less crap?


Filed under Reasons to be cheerful

13 responses to “Bloody Weather

  1. Be a quiet frog then so it doesn’t rain! x

  2. I’ve been quiet for ages. Can’t I shout just a little?

  3. Dom

    If you assume tomorrows weather is going to be the same as today’s weather then you’ll be correct 70% of the time. If you spend billions on a super computer with modeling forecasts installed on it then you’ll get it right about 80% of the time 😀

  4. Hmmm… I heard once that if someone sneezes twice in a D flat tone, it will rain within 48 hours.


    That’s the nice thing about “sick days” my friend. No weather predictions needed.


  5. Dom, a good rule of thumb and certainly the cheaper option.

    Maria, I never take sick days. Ever. Not even when I’m sick.

  6. if cows sit down altogether its about to rain. hey come on its england – chances are its going to rain anyway right?

  7. SGT, curses! I’m hoping for less inclement weather…more clement weather?

  8. Mr Frog, please will you be EXTRA quiet for the next fortnight. I am on holiday. France AND Portugal have fallen through so I am stuck in Blighty – and I don’t want any rain!!!! x

  9. You! I know what all these downpours are about! It’s you playing games with the weather Mr Frog! Lovely and dry yesterday as I left work. Got on my motorbike,pulled out to Vauxhall Cross and… [insert impression of thunder here]… the heavens opened and I got SOAKED!! Please will you stop misbehaving! 🙂

  10. fishy

    Red sky in the morning,
    sailors take warning,
    Red sky at night,
    sailors delight.

  11. fishy

    its raining but the frog is not being loud!!!!!!!!!!
    wat up with dat?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?

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