Student loan

I’ve been rooting through my old archives to see if I’ve ever said anything interesting in my blog life.  No, I haven’t but I did find this.

Date: 21 September 2006

Dear Mr hoverFrog

Loan Account Number: 90WACOFF521

Please find enclosed the 15th annual statement for your student loan.  The one you took out in 1990 and spent within a week on drugs and beer.  Was it worth it?  I bet you can’t even remember spending all that money.  That is beside the point really because you have now officially paid it all back.  Actually you finished paying it back on 16th March of this year but we’ve only just got round to writing to you.  Never mind, eh, we’ve got your money now.  That’s the important thing.

Deferment of loan payments

You don’t have to start repaying your loan until you earn the average wage of a Bavarian goat herder.  We’ll write to you to remind you every year about this just so we can have a laugh at your expense.  Credit card bills still not clear.  Don’t worry.  If you ever earn enough to pay them off you’ll still owe us.  It’ll hang over you for the rest of your life.

Queries

You can write to us but , lets face is, we aren’t going to reply and even if we do we’ll lose all record of it if it suits us to.  You can try ringing the National rate number (only 35p/minute) but I expect you’ll give up after 20 or 30 minutes of listening nothing.  Even if you do get through the line will be so bad that you’ll have to hang up.

You remember that time we tried to take you to court because we’d lost your loan deferment form.  How we laughed and laughed afterwards?  I expect you did too once you’d got used to the idea of paying back money when you didn’t need to because of our cock up.

Summary

The last two paragraphs are standard and have no bearing on the first but we include them in all our letters even when they aren’t relevant.  I bet you’re as glad as we are that we won’t have any more dealings for a while.  I mean it’s not as if you can afford to pay for your children’s’ education now that we’ve skinted you.  Don’t even bother trying to get the government to foot part of the bill either.  They’d have a good old laugh if they thought people still believed that education was a right and not a privilege.  Free education is a myth.  Honestly, where do you think your taxes go anyway?  Education, education, education?  Bollocks!

Yours smugly

pp The company who bought your debt from the Student Loan Company 

The Student Loan Company

Well that’s good news I suppose.  At least there’s no lingering resentment on my part.  I’m tempted to write back and thank them.

Iron

Has anyone got an iron I could borrow?  Mine broke and I don’t want to go to work creased.

I should just take the day off.  Right?