What Kind of God Would You Be?

Blatantly stolen from Dubito Ergo Sum

The meme: list at least four things that you’d do if you were God. Assume the same thing I do: you’re omnipotent (do the logically impossible!) and whatever you do will work out fine with the laws of physics, such as they are.

  1. My holy book gets regular updates and version releases. Times change and people come up with fantastic ideas all the time.  Limiting myself to a book set in a particular time just seems crazy.  It has to move with the times.
  2. I’m banning prayer.  Seriously I have better things to do as an omnipotent deity than listen to your whingeing.  Get over yourself.  I’m not setting up a celestial bureaucracy to deal with prayer requests and no horde of angels will be sifting through your commentary for good points.  I’m God and I get to read your mind if I like.  If you come up with a good idea I’m taking it.  In fact if you do pray I’m going to turn it around so it works against you.  You’re wasting your time and mine.  If you want to change something then go and change it, don’t ask me.  Finally if you even think about praying for your football team to win then you’re asking for the ground to open up and swallow you.  I will do it.
  3. Priests of my new faith are required to wear silly hats or outlandish costumes so that nobody ever takes what they say seriously.  What?  The Catholics have already got this rule?  Dammit!
  4. There will be no heaven and hell.  The afterlife will work like this:
    • When you die you get to review of your entire life.
    • Every mean, spiteful, vindictive act that you inflicted on your fellow human would be given back to you.  You get to live the life of the people you harmed so that you can appreciate the full impact of your wrong.
    • Every act of kindness, love, charity and aid that you offer or provide to your fellow human would be given back to you.  You get to live the life of the people you helped so that you can appreciate the full impact of your good deeds.
    • In fact you get to live the life of everyone who you touched in some small way to see how you influenced them.  This means that Hitler literally gets to experience the suffering off millions and Gandhi gets to live the peace of everyone who he influenced.  A suitable punishment\reward system in my opinion.
    • Then, with perfect clarity, you get to live your own life again but this time you can change things.
  5. People get to be really tough and get to heal really quickly.  A fall from a 10th floor window may result in broken bones but these will mend in a week or two.  Gunshot wounds can be shrugged off.  Basically you get to be as tough as the hero in a Hollywood movie.

I’m going to tag everyone who wants to play.

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8 Comments

Filed under Atheist, Reasons to be cheerful, Religion, You decide

8 responses to “What Kind of God Would You Be?

  1. Your thoughts are so intriguing Frog. I love the way you think and your reasoning for the things you write. I appreciate that you take the time to detail every thought you have so that any and all readers are completely clear on what you are trying to get across. If I believed in a “god”, I think I’d like it to be in your little world.

  2. purplephreak

    1) I’m getting rid of whatever makes us want to kill each other
    2) people will die in their sleep when they reach 80. this way it’s fair and people have a bit of pre-warning so they can get their affairs in order
    3) Heaven will be a huge self-cleaning house party. the beer will never run out, you will never het tired, all the music is brilliant and there is alwasy someone new and interesting to talk to
    4) people can believe what they want, if they were groovy individuals they can come to heaven and party, if they were nasty they will become eternal eurovision song contest judges

  3. I really like the your idea:

    “Every mean, spiteful, vindictive act that you inflicted on your fellow human would be given back to you”

    I would turn all the weapons in the world to whipped cream pies.

    Anyone who intentionally harms another person explodes.

    Anyone one who claims to know God, or be a God, has to use of one of the Monty Python silly walks.

    A man who harasses a women grows breast. Any woman who harasses a man grows a penis.

    Political debates become farting contest.

  4. Mas

    excellent! I think you would be a most wonderful deity !

    but…

    1) updates to the holy book? Sod that – my holy book would be a simple phrase that says it all; “do unto others as you would have done to yourself” – that’s pretty universal and understandable and no ambiguity about sexuality, other faiths or cheese!

    2) I agree totally – no prayer; Something I’ve said a couple of times when I’m on the phone to people has been “I’m always listening, I just don’t always hear” – I think my family are just that way though; trying to hold a conversation with any of them when they’re in front of the boob-tube and you know they’re listening but not hearing. I think that’s how it is with “god” – you pray; god goes “I’ve got better things to do” – maybe there’s a prayer call center where you’re put on hold and have to press a combination of hash number star things to select what you want before being put into an infinite loop of non-answering 🙂 or something like that . I’m rambling.

    3) Maybe the costumes could be like football costumes and change every season; the congregation being able to purchase replica shirts etc to add coppers to the coffers (to then distribute to the poor et al)

    4) ah there is no heaven and hell anyway; but I love your idea of an afterlife. Everyone gets their comeuppance, and everyone gets their rewards; none of this “deathbed confessional” nonsense.

    5) woohoo! Yes!

    😀

  5. Dom

    what do you mean if I was God?

    1) I would be a vengeful god. Idiots would have their very existence snuffed out at my slightest whim. 90% of the earths population would disappear in seconds. Chavs would have never have existed.

    2) There would be no holy book, I am too fickle to commit anything to writing.

    3) Those few people remaining would be required to devote their entire life to servicing my every desire. There will be no time for prayer.

    4) Who gives a crap about heaven and hell? I’ll be having fun.

  6. Wow, HF – number 4 is pure genius. I try to live every day of my life as if this is how things are anyway (being the sensitive soul that I am) but writing it out like that is brilliant!

    2 gold stars and a merit.

  7. Your number four is true brilliance. Mind if I borrow that one for my own divinity?

    1. HoverFrog’s number four.
    2. No one believes in me. I’d hate to be used as someone’s excuse to do something horrible, and if someone does something nice I’d want them to get the credit for it that they deserve. Everyone’s accountable for their own actions, good or bad. Leave God (me) out of it.
    3. Once a year or so I’ll host wine & cheese parties across the world, disguised as some random philosopher with brilliant ideas who tells wonderful stories with globally-applicable morals. People will love them and people will spread them across the land through oral tradition, adjusting the stories appropriately to fit their own particular societies for that particular time, while keeping the moral intact.
    4. One of these morals will be that everyone should be fluent in at least three languages and be familiar with the cultures that produced those languages, to minimize miscommunication and to foster better understanding of one’s fellow human beings.
    5. Somehow, Communism will actually work, in a good way.

  8. Thanks. I think we should all form our own pantheon.

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