An Open Letter to The Lady of the Big Bones

Dearest Lady of the Big Bones,

It was so good to see you this morning at the train station.  It has been some time and I had thought that you’d given up your protest.  Even though you carried no placards and displayed no notice I knew about your protest at the removal of the benches from the platform.  Why else would you place your ample derriere upon the cold and unlovely steps of the footbridge?  Why else would you deliberately place your sack (for how else could I describe your discrete luggage) on the gap next to you? And why else would you balance your over sized and over sweetened Coffee Kiosk ™ coffee on the remaining small gap? 

The protest was a success and I thank you heartily for it.  The complaining commuters harsh words to the guards and station staff had the desired effect.  Benches have now been placed on the platform for customers’ use.  It is poor planning on their part that made them order benches with segregated compartments unsuited to your fuller figure.  You could do as I do when I have a backpack that I don’t want to put down on the floor and simply perch on the end of a bench.  They are secured to the platform with concrete.

Obviously you are aware of the success of your protest and have moved on to set right another great wrong.  Sadly I am at a loss to determine what you are protesting against this time.  Your actions seem to indicate that you protest against the length of time that it takes for a carriage door to open.  I can see no other reason for you to stand squarely in front of the doors rather than to one side.  You must know that you strike an imposing figure for any commuter that seeks to exit from the carriage.  I saw one man today break down in tears as he very nearly fell against you.  He had to be calmed by station staff and I fear that he may never recover not even with the tender administrations of tea and comfort.

May I be so bold as to suggest writing to the train companies rather than bludgeoning commuters as a first effort in changing train policy.  If that fails then writing to your MP may be a worthwhile effort.  Rather than trying to force the train doors open with your pudgy fingers you could take a moment to allow your fellow travellers to exit the carriage.  I mean it isn’t as if the seats are contoured to fit you or the tables spacious enough for you so you are unlikely to move much beyond the door anyway.

Yours supportively

The Magnificent Frog.


Filed under Bad things happen, Cull

2 responses to “An Open Letter to The Lady of the Big Bones

  1. Haha, your writing is funny, seriously.
    You almost never fail to make me laugh 🙂

  2. Almost never?

    I’m clearly not trying hard enough.

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