Rules For Work:

  1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
  2. If it’s really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it’s going. That helps. Even better, hover behind me, and advise me at every keystroke.
  3. Always leave without telling anyone where you’re going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
  4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don’t open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs.
  5. If you give me more than one job to do, don’t tell me which is priority. I am psychic.
  6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.
  7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.
  8. If you don’t like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.
  9. If you have special instructions for a job, don’t write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.
  10. Never introduce me to the people you’re with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
  11. Be nice to me only when the job I’m doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager’s hell.
  12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it’s nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so much tax on the bonus you received for being such a good manager.
  13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I’m not here for the money anyway.
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2 Comments

Filed under Thursday Thirteen

2 responses to “Rules For Work:

  1. M

    I usually find that (1) occurs around 4:50 on a Friday… (13) we now have lists that are reviewed on a yearly basis; the problem is that some things are vague, or affected by other people’s goals. If person (a) , a manager has a goal and person (b) an underling has a goal to help person (a) with their goal, and person (a)’s goal goes away, then person (b) fails to meet their objective as there was no goal and is penalised.
    I am fortunate that most of my goals are vague or met within a week of being listed. Which means that I can sit around on my arse all day picking my nose or something. Well… no… not really; you tell people “I’ve met my goals for the year” and they always want to find other things for you to do… the poodles.

    Mas

  2. Are these official rules – now you tell me! I’ve been doing everything wrong.

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