What’s wrong with pandas?

Pandas are large bears with black and white fur who live in south east Asia and eat bamboo.  They don’t have a reputation as warmongers or celebrity chefs so what exactly is wrong with pandas?

I know the obvious answer here is “everything” but let’s try to break it down into manageable chunks please people.  Jeez, get a grip.

Natural selection tends to promote adaptable species over specialised ones.  If you are big, slow and stupid like a panda then you need to be able to eat anything to survive because there’s no way you can catch food.  You can’t go wandering about looking for things to eat because some mean old hunter will be hanging your skin on his wall in no time if you can’t defend yourself or run away.   What do pandas do?  Sit about eating bamboo and getting wiped out.

Failing adaptability you should at least form a pack to protect the weakest members of the species and to benefit from the strength of numbers.  However Giant Pandas are generally solitary.  This works if you’re something cool like a tiger and can eat anything that gets in your way but if you’re a panda then it’s just silly.

Slow, stupid, overspecialised and antisocial.  This could be forgiven if you had a high reproductive rate and could produce many offspring to bolster the numbers that fell to stupidity and hunting.  Pandas though reject this idea and would rather die out.  A female panda can produce 2 to 3 young in her lifetime if she can attract a male who isn’t as gay as a handbag full of rainbows.  Something all male pandas seem to be. 

Even the recent use of panda porn in captive breeding programs doesn’t seem to encourage male pandas to desire females.  A male panda was quoted as saying “It’s demeaning to females and embarrassing to us.”  With sexual intercourse lasting anywhere from thirty seconds to five whole minutes I’d be embarrassed too.

On the subject of embarrassment lets not forget how other bears feel about pandas.  It has long been claimed that pandas aren’t even real bears but sadly this is untrue.  I have often heard it said that the panda is related to the raccoon rather than the bear.  In fact the Giant Panda (Ailuropoda melanoleuca) is related to the bear (family Ursidae) where the Red Panda (Ailurus fulgens) is not. I understand that this is a hotly debated topic in the field of taxonomy.  Well, as hotly debated as these things get anyway.   Proper bears feel a great shame at their ridiculous cousins though and continue to spread rumours that pandas aren’t bears.

A Proper Bear

On to that silly colouration that pandas insist on having.  I mean: black and white stripes on your body.  What were you thinking?  But on your face?  Your eyes look like someone has pissed in the snow. 

That’s what’s wrong with pandas if anyone asks.


Filed under Cull

26 responses to “What’s wrong with pandas?

  1. M

    I like pandas…


  2. I like dodos but I still think that they needed to be extinct.

  3. cha0tic

    Do I dare click on the Panda Porn link? *shudder*

  4. Cha0tic, it’s pure filth.

  5. Amy

    You’re odd.Next you’ll be slating koala bears.Pfft

  6. Amy, stop tantalizing me with subtle hints that you’ve got your old blog back. It’s wrong and you know it, missy.

    The word “koala” actually means “no drink” even though koalas do drink some water when thirsty. They get most of their moisture from leaves.

    They aren’t bears at all. In fact, they aren’t even mammals but are marsupials. Clearly bear lovers have nothing to worry about in this little bundle of laziness. Even if they are a bit crap.

  7. Hoy, Mr Frog, that’s just plain mean. Us Pandas don’t go around slating your slimy little green bodies and, ick, webbed toes now, do we..?

    “Slow, stupid, overspecialised and antisocial” sounds like several people I know, actually.

    And our colouring? What’s wrong with it? I never knew you were a panda-hater.. 😐

  8. M

    I’ve never seen a dodo so I don’t know if I like a dodo

    That sounds like a poem.

    I don’t know if I don’t like the dodo,
    I’ve not seen one, how should I know?
    I wouldn’t know where one to find
    (weren’t they all wiped out by mankind)
    but it was all way before my time
    So liking a dodo, I don’t know, fine
    Kind of like my bench sander
    I do know I like the giant panda

    M (there was a panda porn link? Glad I didn’t notice… I’m at work!)

  9. Amy

    Oh I am lazy and haven’t deleted the cookies in my pc at work so it still says that I am here though I am not.

    Hmm I think you should work harder rather than spending time on wikipedia finding out random bear or marsupial facts.

    And Pandy rocks so you shouldn’t slate Pandas. Pandy is tough and I daren’t boing her curly hair so a barrage of meanness on her race would not bode well.

  10. Panda-eyed I’ve always been a panda hater. I’ve just been covering up until I thought you weren’t looking. Now that you mention it I think I know plenty of humans who remind me of pandas.
    Mas, poetry now. There’s a dodo at the the Natural History Museum I think. It’s stuffed but you can still see it and feel the scorn for yourself. Actually it may only be a model.
    Amy, get a blog, you fruit loop. I can’t leave sarcastic comments without one…except maybe on facebook. You’re right though I should be working.

  11. Amy

    Nope that’s why I deleted all my blogs..just so you couldn’t leave sarcastic comments and that’s also why I rarely visit blogs so you can’t be sarcastic in your comments back to me. So there.

  12. Well nerr to you too!

  13. yorksdevil

    There are people who actually like pandas? Who knew?!

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  15. eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

    that’s all quite true and by rights they shouldn’t be around and they should have changed and been all mottly to hide and been able to eat normal grass by now…

    but they’re still dead cool

  16. carsick

    I love pandas because they have their tongues firmly planted in their cheeks most of the time.

  17. YorksDevil, apparently. Although everyone knows that they are evil creatures.

    Lovely Sammy, what kind of freakish mutant pandas have you been breeding?

    Carsick, oh. Silly me. 😉

  18. jaime

    plz tell me that you knew that a marsupial is a type of mammal. plz tell me that you aren’t honestly that stupid.
    also i love pandas and most of what you said is complete bullshit, like right now the red panda is classified as a bear, and the tiger is also slow stupid and antisocial and it is highly specialized.

  19. M

    Stuffed dodo at the natural history museum? Over fed?

    If there’s a natural history museum, is there an “un-natural history museum” as well?

    I like Koala bears as well… but they’ve sharp and pointy claws


  20. Jaime, yes I’m so stupid I can’t even recognise an evolutionery dead end when it waddles up to me on it’s black and white paws. Don’t diss the tiger, they bite.

    Mas, aha the real reason dodos became extinct, too much cake.

  21. M

    no… that’s deadi
    (not to be confused with mumi)


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  24. Noel

    I am incredibly happy I found this posting. For years, I’ve felt alone and segregated in my belief that Pandas should be allowed to die out naturally.

    People will say “I love pandas!” or “pandas are so cute!” but that isn’t a reason to devote significant money, or time to a fruitless effort. “What has a panda done for you lately?” is a favorite saying of mine.

    Pandas can only eat a certain type of bamboo, which grows at a certain elevation. In the winter, when the rest of the animals migrate down the mountain to a warmer climate, the adaptability deficient panda has to sit in the snow, noming away continually in hopes for survival.

    Bamboo is nutritionally weak, so the mother’s milk is weak, therefore making weak offspring. The cycle is perpetual, and I think pandas should be left alone to do what they truly desire: die off.

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