Human cull

Human beings have proven themselves to be utterly irresponsible when it comes to caring for this planet.  We are far too numerous and innovative for disease or famine to have a great effect on the world population.  Only a global level extinction event such as a super pandemic or meteor impact would significantly reduce our number and that would be bad.

What I particularly hate is the vast number of people who just get in my way when I want to get somewhere.  Less people on the planet would mean less people to get in the way, less people to be in front of me in a queue, less people to steal the good biscuits from the biscuit tin at work and leave just the bourbons.  You see where I’m heading with this.

Anyway I was thinking of a 95% cull in the general population starting with the most useless members of society and working up the ladder, so to speak.  So working up from the bottom of the rung:

  • obviously chavs, that just goes without saying;
  • estate agents who lie (there must be enough honest ones left to do the job, I mean how difficult can it be?);
  • people who swear in front of their children;
  • then I think the elderly;
  • telesales people;
  • people who stand on the left on an escalator;
  • just about everyone who works for the council apart from the bin men who do a sterling job;
  • a large proportion of shop workers and any shop worker who looks bored or has spots;
  • anyone who takes more than ten sick days a year, I mean, honestly, you’re just skiving off, admit it;
  • people who walk too slowly;
  • drivers of white vans;
  • anyone who works for Nestle;
  • anyone who eats while they’re talking on the phone;
  • people who can use a computer but pretend that they can’t in order to get other people to do their jobs for them;
  • quite a high proportion of school children.

I’m sure there are many more groups but I think this makes a good start.  Feel free to add your own.  I think I’ve probably accounted for 20% to 30% of the population so we obviously need to do more and be less choosy. 

I thought of putting a minimum height limit in but there are quite a few small people who are very lovely and small people are very useful if you drop something down a drain or behind the telly.  They’re not so good if you want someone to get your glasses down from the shelf though.

Support the cull, kill a neighbour.


Filed under Cull

38 responses to “Human cull

  1. What’s wrong with bourbons?

  2. hmmm the only ones i don’t agree with are:
    old people – some are quite cool. cull the ones who think they can push in queues becasue they’re old though.
    shop workers – some are ok and helpful. cull the annoying ‘are you ok there?’ ones
    sick day people – i have lots of sick days but that’s becasue i get lots of migranes.

    i would like to add:
    – stupid people
    – people who pretend they’re nice but aren’t
    – people who are cruel to other people and/or animals
    – Blair
    -anyone who likes Blair or Bush
    -boring people

  3. Amylou

    I used to be a shop worker but am no more. I think I have escaped that one..although I think I may have said ‘bloody’ in front of a child once…plus does blasphemy count as swearing? Oh and I do sometimes get confused with left and right so I potentially do stand on the left sometimes.I may escape although I am still going with my reasoning that because Mich likes me, you like Mich and so on and so forth, I should be spared.

  4. M

    Mmm bourbons.
    The rest I completely disagree with. Yes, even “people who stand on the left on an escalator” which does annoy the tits off me (and after I spend all morning trying to make them look natural and everything :-P) And I’m not just saying that because I fall into one or more of your categories; even when it is only occasionally.
    I think any arbitary list where the decision to live or die is based on a matter of personal opinion (What constitutes “too slow” ? Is it a valid reason for culling in all situations? Where is the line between stupidity and entertainment? ) is inheritently wrong, liable to abuse and misappropriation and should be avoided at all costs.

    If you think that ridding society of these people would be a good idea, you’re wrong. Everything has a purpose. Even if that purpose is to create turbulence in our would-be-otherwise utopic lives.

    As to disease, famine et al; we are in the midst of social diseases whereby aspects of our culture is changing such that we are wiping ourselves out. If it’s not those a sandwich short of an Earl running around shooting people, it is disease. Look at the evolution of the various “super bugs”, the increasing strength of drugs we have to take to kill off something that was previously very minor. We are creating our own downfall.
    And worryingly, what if Chavs are the next stage of our evolution? It’s always the genetic mutants that are the next hop,skip and jump up the ladder; and if something works, it multiplies. Maybe all of us against them have it all wrong and really we’re just scared that our place in the world is no-longer as secure as it once was; we feel old and scared and see them as the cause and apportion blame?

    M (and back to “less people to steal the biscuits” – less people to bring in the biscuits)

  5. People who apply layers and layers of make up.
    All my previous Project Managers
    People who dont blog (see that will eliminate a lot of them)
    People who are constantly bored and don’t know what to do with their lives

  6. I have to disagree with M. People who stand on the left should be shot 😛

  7. Booger, bourbons are not proper biscuits. They’re like the alcoholic cousin with a gambling problem of decent, hard working biscuits.

    ‘face of sunburn, I do like some old people but I figure that they always vote for the same party and we need to freshen political climate a bit. Also anyone who pushes in a queue should go even if the cull will cure the hole queue problem. Shop workers who don’t make eye contact or speak to you when you’re being served need to go but we obviously need to keep the good ones or shopping would be chaos. However I’m sticking with the sick day thing. 10 days should be plenty, if you’re that ill, see a quack. Of course quacks who can’t get people back to work in 10 days need to be culled as well, they clearly can’t do their jobs properly and are just wasting everyone’s time. Stupid and mean people should definitely be culled and I think bureaucrats being culled would include most politicians and boring people.

    Nutter, as an unbeliever I don’t believe in blasphemy so that should be fine. Bloody is probably as rude as you can get but crumbs and flipping blink are OK as is crikey. If you don’t know the difference between your left and right then you are going on the cull list along with Booger for his bourbon thing. I mean at your age (31) you should know the difference by now. Lovely Michelle is very understanding and I’m sure she’ll forgive me eventually, especially once I explain my logic to her. It’s not as if I’ll be doing the killing myself anyway. No, that would take too long. I’ll have properly trained death squads for that. I could always pretend it was an admin error.

  8. How about –

    Solictors who deal with house sales?
    The entire staff of Radio 1?
    Soap opera actors?

  9. Mas, it’s OK because the abuse would all be mine and I can be trusted. See my trustworthy smile. See? We should keep some stupid people around for amusement value but no more than three. I can bring the biscuits in thereby assuring my own survival.

    Violet, I remember a very sanctimonuous comment from my childhood: “Only boring people get bored”. Curse it but I heard myself using it just the other day. I’m with you on the people who don’t blog though. What are they thinking?

    Righty, I thought you’d agree. I’d like to extend this rule to pavements as well but I understand that some people might object.

  10. Rich, as a former student I couldn’t possibly allow them all to be culled. Just those studying politics or mickey mouse subjects like …um…Mickey Mouse. Students studying Klingon get a pass though just for the cheek of it. We can cull all solicitors after my house sale goes through, I’m fine with that. Radio 1 and anyone on day time TV can go.

  11. Amylou

    Not liking the whole being called nutter now. Mich would never forgive you.FACT.And occassionally I just get a little confused..also I can’t spell it one c and 2 s or the other way round?! Personally I think the whole cull thing is stupid therefore I am no longer playing. So there.

  12. M

    (stands on right): I have to say that, provided they’re intelligent enough to look and see whichever side everyone else is standing on and follow suit, it doesn’t bother me; left, right, on the ceiling for all I care 🙂 (being a midlander we seem to lack advice to “stand on the right” … although the enterance to New St station does have a “walk on the left” which is a bit of a pisser for people leaving the station when it’s raining as there’s no shelter there – or anyone wanting to go into any of the banks (or McDonalds) upon leaving who technically have to go all the way down the ramp and then come back up. They never do. I always play chicken with them.

    And Mr Frog; you do realise this is how Hitler got started. One too many people stole the good biscuits and a few years later and he’s invading Poland.
    I’ve got my eyes on you Mr Frog. Both eyes.

  13. M

    Mr Frog: There’s a “hole” queue problem now? Is this a problem with queues for holes, or to see a specific hole? Wookey Hole ? (Quite good, but very disappointing lack of natives for a StarWars fan)

  14. Sioned

    I would be very very very VERY upset if anyone killed Amy. I would have to put on my ass kicking shoes. Now, I would help train the death squad, if that job is open but I get final veto on who gets it. If they were nice and say, held a door open for me I would think they would get to stay. If they ran through a door and let it close on the fabulous A’s stroller, it would be a painful death for them, maybe done personally by me.

  15. Looloo, I meant it is a good way.

    Mas, don’t fib. I know you wear an eye patch on week days and part of the whole pirate in disguise thing that you’ve got going on.

    Darling and glamourous Michelle, I can think of no one better to lead and train the death squads. You can dress them in any way you wish as long as it’s tight and black. I do agree that people who are impolite need to be culled and anyone who does anything to upset toddler A should suffer the death of a thousand very nasty paper cuts or possibly be impaled on a unicorn horn.

  16. Sioned

    Well, I don’t have a unicorn horn but baby A does have some seriously sharp fingernails that she can use to do some damage. Will that suffice?

  17. I wouldn’t argue with you so I suppose so.

  18. M

    Well, now I am wearing a patch on both eyes.
    Mayes it a bit of a nugger ti type without nakin mystajes

  19. Can we include in the cull those without a sense of humour? Would also like to throw in any DJs with fake mid-atlantic accents. And, if there’s still room, could we squeeze in all of those that claim :”‘I’m mad, me. Just like TOTALLY c-r-a-z-y” ..?

  20. Fabulous

    I think we need to include those stupid people who look at you like your talking a foriegn language. Oh yes we are to them. As there foriegn and have not bothered to learn our language in our country! ugh
    That and stupid people
    oooh and please for all the ladies please add nasty two timing dirty rats of boys who are mean.

  21. Can we also include slow drivers please.

  22. Amylou

    Don’t like to be smug here Frog but Mich is so gonna kick yo’ ass. Ooh yes.

  23. stalkers. freaky fucks.

    and ok – bad doctors. i’ll go with that one, but not ALL doctors..

  24. Lass, there’s always room for those sort in a global cull.

    F.A.B but that look is one of my favourites. I reserve it for stupid people who do or say something stupid. Of course if we cull all stupid people it will no longer be required so OK, they can go in too.

    Rich, slow drivers and people who accelerate towards pelican crossings. you know, just to even it up a bit.

    Pops of coco, listen up old lady glorious Michelle is on my side. With her death squad, my list and the combined forces of our offspring we will quickly dominate this world. You’re just lucky that you have the iron stilletto on Sioned to protect you. Oh yes.

  25. Flakey sunburn girl, bad doctors and bad dentists are going but the good ones get a pay rise and a big thank you hug. Stalkers need to go, I mean why not just deal with rejection normally or say hello? If you’re a bit nervous then get a friend to introduce you. Honestly.

  26. Amylou

    Hmm I’m not so sure she would choose you over me..I mean do you send her kinder parcels?! Hmm? No i thought not. I buy people’s affections!

  27. exactly Mr Frog… i had something good to say but now it’s gone out

    oh yeah

    kill my neighbour, my cats go in their house and come out with fleas! ick

  28. An excellent tactic Oulyma but one that I suspect someone as intelligent and cunning as Michelle would easily see through. Just like Clark Kent can see through walls and ladies’ dresses. That’s how super she is.

  29. Fleababy, those vile neighbours must may. Burn them so that all the wicked flea eggs also die. It’s the only way. Also you need to have your cats.

  30. Amylou

    Mich likes me though because she’s lovely. Anyways what was the point of this entire conversation?!

  31. Fabulous

    oh Pinky my neighbours need killing too as they let there cat poo in my garden after i have spent time picking the weeds out. ugh

  32. you need to get stuff that makes cats run away and not poo. maybe you could use a scarecat…

  33. Fabulous

    is that the green jelly looking stuff? And does it smell?

  34. Oulyma, you have escaped the cull OK. We’d moved on to praising Michelle and her offspring. It’s generally on considered a fine way to while away and afternoon.

    F.A.B next time you have eggs for tea or breakfast save the shells. If you crush them, bake them and scatter them on your garden it will get in the cat’s paws and upset them. This will stop the little oiks from coming back to your house. Slugs don’t like it either. I’ve never actually tried this because I prefer to throw darts at cats* instead of leaving booby* traps for them but I’ve been told it works.

    * Not really
    **he he boobies

  35. Fabulous

    Thanks Hover i think that i will try that. I am baking a cake tommorow so will do it then.

  36. Pingback: Kill all Lettings Agents « Blue Soup

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