Apart from a few alterations and dozens of additions we’re pretty much agreed that we’re going to cull the human race. The question now arises as to the method of culling. Obviously cruelty should be avoided so we can’t have attack dogs. We don’t want to upset people with the prospect that they need to go out and kill their neighbours so we need specialist for the job. At the same time we don’t want to overlook an opportunity for some free amusement.
Naturally I can no longer use phone in polls to gauge public opinion because all the dishonest operators associated with such shoddy practices are going to die. I therefore propose voting here on the best method for culling the masses.
- Genetically engineer dinosaur clones, train them to avoid the select few who are to survive and release them into the general populous. The advantage of this is that anyone smart enough to survive and escape the dinosaurs will enhance the gene pool and probably shouldn’t have been culled anyway. Also dinosaurs are really cool.
Sioned trains death squads in the arts of murder and torture (just for fun) and they systematically travel the world ending the lives of all who no longer deserve to live. The advantage here is that they would obviously look really hot in their tight black uniforms so everyone will be happy.
- We engineer a war between the nations who favour pirates and those who favour ninjas. Not only would this be the coolest fight ever as sides would need to be appropriately dressed but there’ll be plenty of opportunity for yelling Yarr! or moving stealthily (depending on your preference). Of course the disadvantage is the increased chance of collateral casualties.
- We challenge the aliens to a fight. Their future technology will surely reduce the population by just enough.
Human beings have proven themselves to be utterly irresponsible when it comes to caring for this planet. We are far too numerous and innovative for disease or famine to have a great effect on the world population. Only a global level extinction event such as a super pandemic or meteor impact would significantly reduce our number and that would be bad.
What I particularly hate is the vast number of people who just get in my way when I want to get somewhere. Less people on the planet would mean less people to get in the way, less people to be in front of me in a queue, less people to steal the good biscuits from the biscuit tin at work and leave just the bourbons. You see where I’m heading with this.
Anyway I was thinking of a 95% cull in the general population starting with the most useless members of society and working up the ladder, so to speak. So working up from the bottom of the rung:
- obviously chavs, that just goes without saying;
- estate agents who lie (there must be enough honest ones left to do the job, I mean how difficult can it be?);
- people who swear in front of their children;
- then I think the elderly;
- telesales people;
- people who stand on the left on an escalator;
- just about everyone who works for the council apart from the bin men who do a sterling job;
- a large proportion of shop workers and any shop worker who looks bored or has spots;
- anyone who takes more than ten sick days a year, I mean, honestly, you’re just skiving off, admit it;
- people who walk too slowly;
- drivers of white vans;
- anyone who works for Nestle;
- anyone who eats while they’re talking on the phone;
- people who can use a computer but pretend that they can’t in order to get other people to do their jobs for them;
- quite a high proportion of school children.
I’m sure there are many more groups but I think this makes a good start. Feel free to add your own. I think I’ve probably accounted for 20% to 30% of the population so we obviously need to do more and be less choosy.
I thought of putting a minimum height limit in but there are quite a few small people who are very lovely and small people are very useful if you drop something down a drain or behind the telly. They’re not so good if you want someone to get your glasses down from the shelf though.
Support the cull, kill a neighbour.