Stand of the Right sent these questions to me so that I could answer them. She did it because she was forced at the point of a sword to delve into my deepest and most intimate thoughts. I have answered them (as is my want) and now I return to work which so occupies my waking moments. Thank you Miss Right, it was jolly good fun.
- What time is it?
Tenacious D time, the mother fucking rhyme
- Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
It is a little known secret that it does stick to the inside of the bottle. The process of making things stick to other things involves very tiny creatures known as Gluons. Gluons are in fact the friendliest creatures in the known universe and spend most of their lives hugging anything that they can reach. In order to spread goodwill and friendship they can be convinced to leave a glue tube or bottle but only by singing the proper Gluon song or performing the Gluon ritual of the Racing Hug. It is fortunate for we Earth creatures that the Gluon ritual of the Racing Hug involves sticking out your tongue and chewing your lower lip while scrunching up one eye. An expression often made by accident when attempting to use a glue tube.There are some things that Gluons really dislike though. Water and cats are two of them and you will rarely see either being glued. Gluons are fascinated by human fingers though and often try to hug them extra tight.
- Why is it that when you’re driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
Impossible! As a regular commuter on the wonderful rail network that we have in the south of this glorious nation of ours I am rarely in a car. When I am, I am not the driver and not the one looking for an address.However, I imagine that other people, who are less magnificent than I, need to lower the volume in order to concentrate on one of their five senses. As if the human brain suffers from such limitations as finite processing rates. Tish and pish.
- What is the size of a poodle?
It depends on the size of the plate of oodles eaten the night before.
- What’s the prettiest part of your body?
I’m of the opinion that the male body is one of the most ridiculous looking things ever evolved. Especially naked. We look like frogs. Having said that I must say that I am particularly enamoured with the beauteous appearance of my feet. For some reason though The Hildy finds my feet repulsive. Just because I have incredibly long toes that I can use to pick things up with, write and climb trees she thinks they are odd. No, it’s her stumpy feminine feet that are odd. My glorious size 12s are the most magnificent and versatile of all pedal extremities and I challenge any one to prove me wrong.
- Have you met any celebrities?
Probably. I fear that the requirements for being classed as a celebrity (or sleb as I’ve heard them described) are so mundane as to cover most people on the planet. However I am in regular contact with Annie Lennox and Gregory Peck through work as they are now working in the training industry and financial support industry respectively. Yes I know one of them is technically dead but we are talking about accountancy firms here.
- What did you eat for breakfast this morning?
Oh that is tricky. You see I rarely eat breakfast as a meal. I know the definition is the first meal of the day but when I get round to eating it is usually about 2:30 in the afternoon so that’s more properly called lunch. My first food of the day was a vegetarian sausage, coleslaw and mustard baguette but the last time I had breakfast in the morning I devoured two slices of white toast with mushroom pate on top in generous dollops.
- You are holding 3 apples in your hand. How many apples do you have?
Apples, what apples?
Why is it that you can juggle three apples but not three apple cores?
- How many fingers am I holding up?
Ew, how do you do that with your hand? A little known fact is that my brother and his daughter, Baby Jessica, were born with six fingers on each hand. If you’re anything like them then I’ve have to say 12, just for the shock value.
- What does a computer taste like?
Now many people will not have tasted computer before so it’s a little difficult to describe. Firstly when hunting and killing your own computer it is vital that you make sure that you’ve disconnected the power supply. If you don’t your first bite may be accompanied by a slight tingle in the teeth followed by an almighty wallop. Computers don’t tend to like getting bitten. However, once you’ve disconnected it a computer is best left overnight to cool and allow it’s capacitors to properly drain. It is unwise to eat a computer whole as even a laptop is more than a mouthful. Instead chop it into smaller component parts and eat raw. Yes, I did say raw. Cooking a hard drive invariably removes part of the taste and leaves an unpleasant burnt odor for sometime after. When eaten raw a hard drive tastes a little off so you need to spin at about 5400 revolutions per minute to get the full flavour. When you do it should taste a little like watercress but with more tang.
- Is 30 old?
I wish to phrase my answer as a haiku:
Listen! a frog
Jumping into the stillness
Of an ancient pond! Or to phrase it another way: You are only as old as you let yourself feel. Personally I stopped aging as 12 years.
- Have you ever been to Mexico?
You know I never have.
- what’s your favorite word?
Gangrenous. Its so under used.
- Why did you do it? (and what was it that you did?)
She was just so inviting, lying there, with no embarrassment. The most beautiful thing I had ever seen. Her tongue was just moistening her lower lip. Her hair had come loose from the band that she always kept it in and a soft black curl had drifted over her forehead. She moved her arms up, beckoning me. Pulling me towards her. Stripping me of my inhibitions as she did my clothes. I loved her in that instant with an intensity that terrified me. Here was perfection and I had to possess it for myself.
- Tell us something we don’t know…
I have no belly button.